revived

Since June . . . this is how I've felt:

Need I say more?

However, after five months in our current housing situation, 5 months with steady income, 2 months on meds, and 4 days in Los Angeles . . . I feel REVIVED!!!

About six months ago, I thought I'd never feel like me again.  It was horrible - dreadful really.  But over time, God has steadily revived my soul.  And this last week in LA was just what I needed to put the final nail in my coffin of sorrow.

I got to spend time with people who dearly love me & know how to have fun.   I ate food with incredible flavor.  I danced myself silly.  And I had a beautiful prayer session where God confirmed all of the beautiful things he's been telling me for years.  Even though my life might look like a hot mess from the outside, I feel good.

I'm anxious to bring my joy into the little things.  And today it trickled over into my eating habits.  Since being here, I've gained 15 pounds people!  And what have I been doing about that?  Nothing.  Nada.  Zip.  Zilch.  Yep - I've been giving myself a pass, along with a huge dose of grace & "you'll get to it when you get to it."  

But today I went to the grocery store & hooked these beautiful lunches up:



Seems that I might just have a bit of my mojo back!

honored

The last 48 hours I have been deeply honored to spend it with folks who've been through hell.

A young friend of the family spent some time at our house.  He's so sweet.  You'd never know that he lost his father this week from a brutal murder, while his mother lays in the hospital suffering from a gunshot wound to the head.  His eyes remain bright & his heart soft.  When we stopped by the store, he picked out a card to give his Mom (that he hasn't been able to see).  Said he's been praying for her every day.  He's a total sweetheart.  Someone mentioned that it was good for him to be at our house on Thanksgiving.  Actually, it was good for me.

Then we spent the day out in rural MN with friends.  A friend of theirs showed up at the house.  I translated as he shared his story.  His three kids had been taken away by the county the night before, based on accusations.  He was devastated.  He was also full of faith - that God sees all & is just.  He shared how he made the grueling trip from Honduras 10 years before (you can't imagine what he went through) to give his children a better chance at life & that he was hopeful that no matter what happened to him, his life wasn't about himself, but his children.  I was moved to tears multiple times by his incredible sacrifice, his love & his faith.

Thanksgiving this year was an honor - an honor to be in the presence of truly great people.

indigo

After Dan's commitment the last couple of days, we decided to move downtown to be closer to the action.  So we found a little gem in the heart of The Windy City - Hotel Indigo.  It's so fun & decorated REALLY uniquely.  Love it.  Here's a shot of the lobby.

So one of my favorite things to do is sit by myself in the early hours of the morning & reflect . . . read a good book . . . and journal.  This hotel has the perfect place for it.  Here's "my" chair from this morning.  It's so comfy!!!

It's really good to sit by myself in a new place - with a sense of adventure - and possibility of what could be.  I'm so thankful that I've had this time to be still in such a beautiful space!  Feeling really hopeful this morning.

Looking forward to the rest of the day of adventure with Dan!

what a beauty

you can call me champ

We got a ping-pong table at work.  Been quietly working my way into the circuit.  Played a bunch of guys along the way.  Heard about our in-house champ.  Just beat him!  Feelin' good . . . feelin' good.

proud & cute

When it comes to work, I find a lot of inner motivation, and don't feel the need for much (or any) external validation at work.  Must be my German-ness :-)  I'm happy to simply do my work & I find great inner satisfaction in doing it with excellence.

However, I got a really great compliment.  In fact, three different people came up to me today (after our company's tailgate party) and told me that since I arrived - 3 months ago - that things have gotten significantly better . . . I felt great knowing that my presence & dedication has helped others feel like their work environment has improved since my arrival.

On a completely different note . . . aren't we adorable?! 

gained

Been feeling really grateful lately.  I feel like I've gained a lot over the last few months.  Here are a few of the highlights . . .

• a renewed relationship with my parents (it's been so great to get to re-know them during retirement)
• a job that I'm good at
• more patience
• a deep appreciation for people who've gone through extreme loss
• reconnection with old friends
• time with my extended family (due to living with my folks)
• a set of Grandparents who invest in my kiddo daily
• about 8 pounds (though this might be the low-light!)
• medicine to help me feel WAY better
• a clear knowledge that I don't know as much as I thought
• an openness to the unexpected & being more flexible
• a deeper sense of God's love & faithfulness

activities

This morning, upon waking up, Mahalia's first question was, "Are you going to work again?"  When I responded that I was indeed going to work again, she wanted to know why.  I told her I was going to work to make the money, to which she asked, "Still!!!???"
I was cracking up. Yep baby - still working. Thankful for work & a paycheck. And even more grateful for moments like these.

Riding 8 miles together on our tandem bike Saturday morning

A quick stop to look at the fish on our walk today during my lunchbreak

the measure

As I was running errands for work yesterday,
I saw this . . . and immediately thought of Dan.

 I am so grateful for the tremendous privilege of walking through life with a man who has had more than his share of challenge & controversy, and remains bothered by injustice - yet also remains faithful, kind & gentle at the same time.

open heart surgery

This last Sunday night, I got together with two friends from church youth group from WAY back in the day.  And yes - that's approximately 25 years ago people!

They'd reached out when they found out I was back in town.  What a delight to reconnect with them.  Their grace, love & belief in me was overwhelming.  And healing. 

But what's even more impressive is that their deep love has come out of their own deep suffering.  As the tears poured down my face as I shared our story of the last year, they could relate with the struggle & the depth of grief.  It was spectacular to find folks who could stand with me in all of my humanity - and help bear the load . . . simply by listening & sharing their own stories.

The next morning I woke up & thought to myself, "I just had open heart surgery!"

power of the same page

Last night, Dan & I had a brief, but powerful, conversation.  We've always been reading from the same book in life.  But after 10 years, I think we are finally on the same page. 
We've had so many opposite experiences in life, that it's been easy to see things from a completely different point of view.  Some are obvious differences (like me growing up white, middle class in the north and him a bi-racial kid in the deep south).  Others experiences aren't quite so obvious (like different experience with the police & in educational settings). 

In many ways, the differences have been our greatest strength.  We've helped one another see the world differently.  But I think life has forced me to take some significant steps toward him over the last few months, and vice versa.

So I celebrate today.  I celebrate our dedication to loving despite the myriad differences between us.  And I celebrate being on the same page.
 

small steps

Have been taking small steps towards a new happiness.  I've found myself grieving so much of what I miss from CA, that it's been hard to see new things to be excited about.  But I've decided that I've got to make it work . . . one way or another.  So here are a few small steps I'm taking . . .

• I've decided to get lots & lots of sleep lately.  Seems to be working.  Rough on the social side of life, but good for ye ole disposition.  Been heading to bed early, so I can consistently get a full 8 hours of sleep. 
• Taking daily walks - around the building at work, around the lake, to the park with Mahalia or around the block.
• Talking with Dan on the way in to work each day.
• Eating Dan's ridiculously good cooking - and requesting my favorites.
• Sharing things that I'm grateful for with friends.
• Scheduling a few days off for fun stuff - to have something to look forward to.

Grateful for small steps forward.

freakin' thyroid

Due to my thyroid acting up, I haven't been able to exercise (or dance).  And I won't be able to exercise until I can get my thyroid doing better.  I'm ordered to rest, rest, rest.  Walking is the only form of exercise I'm supposed to do for another couple of months.  I don't mind working hard (or rest, for that matter) at all.  But after the hard work, I need FUN people!!!

I need fun like flowers need sunshine, like a cowboy needs a horse, like a party needs balloons!!!  So as you can imagine, this massive restriction is killing me.  (Ok, it's good for me, but it's KILLING me!!!)  I've been to bed early every night this week (& I do mean early - like before 10pm early).  So I'm not falling asleep during the day, but the boredom is awful.

Sooooo . . . . I decided to put together a photo compilation of all of the fun things that have happened in the last 6 weeks to remind myself that I'm not dying after all.

Grandpa's birthday Dinner

Big Buffalo at the State Fair

Cotton Candy at the Fair

Nuts at the party

Ferris Wheel Ride

Love the bling on my new glasses!

Tony's 15th Birthday Dinner Party

Cowboys vs. Vikings

Hammin' it up on his 19th birthday

1st day of soccer

Daily fun with Daddy & Ronald

Date Night - check out Dan's new grill!!!

vista

At work last week, I was on the 40th floor of a building downtown Minneapolis.  When I got out of the elevator & past the reception area, I was stunned to find this view.  I got all emotional.

Given where life has taken me (what has been a downward spiral the last year), I felt like God was trying to show me a different view of life . . . like He was offering me a birds-eye view of what He sees.

I've been so far in the trenches, that I hadn't felt like I would ever be able to dream or see clearly again.  And just.  like.  that . . . . He gives me a new vista.

So I've been wondering, "what's this all about?"  Not sure I've got all the answers I want, but I know I'm still standing.  I know I'm taking small steps forward.  I know I'm not caving into other people's crazy-making.  I know I'm trusting God.  I know I love my husband now more than ever.  I know my daughter is ridiculously happy.  I know God is near.  I know people I wouldn't have expected have showed kindness is simple ways.  I know I've got a place to live.  I know I've got a job . . . at least for today.

I'm proud of myself - really proud.  I've been faced with unbelievable pain, been pushed under wave after wave of life's crushing blows, and yet still I have risen & gotten above water.  I am far more stable than I once was.  I am a great friend.  I have continued to tell the truth kindly - even in the face of harsh judgment.  I know I can survive anything.

So this deep knowing has brought back laughter.  Get a load of this . . .

the important things

Started the day at 4:30am, when I awoke to take my Mom to the hospital for surgery.  We got to the hospital at 5:45am to start the pre-op process. 
By 8am,  I was saying goodbye to her as they rolled her away for surgery. 

It's now 2:56, and I am so thankful that she's resting in her room.  I talked with her long enough to know her pain is being managed & that she's ok.

Doc says everything went fine.  It's a good day to be reminded of the important things in life.

crutch

Dan & I are midway through a time of consecration. 

We decided, with all that's going on in life, that we really wanted to intentionally set ourselves aside . . . to listen to God.  We need to hear from Him, be encouraged by Him & find direction from Him.

As I was in prayer, I asked God what to do during this time.  The word "crutch" kept coming up, so I asked Him to tell me what that meant.  He told me to give up anything that I use as a crutch.  Sooooooo . . . I've been without radio, TV, sugar or caffeine for 7 days now.

It's actually been a really good experience.  I've got new focus.  I'm feeling better physically.  Dan & I have had time together.  Stay tuned . . .

lunch break

After gaining so much ground with my thyroid this last year, pretty much all ground was lost over the last 2 months.  Been losing handfuls of hair & exhausted all over again. 
So talked with my doc the other day & dug out my boxes of herbs.  I had even planned to meet a co-worker to ride bikes into work from my house (about 12 miles) to get some exercise. But after talking to Doc - no go.  Says, because my body is so exhausted & depleted, that I can't do any exercise besides walking.  Sooooo . . .

. . . been hearing about a nearby lake (tucked behind all of the small businesses, so you can't see it).  So I threw on my tennis shoes & started following people who looked like they were doing the same thing. 

And lo 'n behold . . . there it was!  A perfect 40 minute walk.  The perfect distance for my lunch break!  I gotta get all the vitamin D I can get before winter :-)

101 things

101 things that I'm grateful for this week . . .

1. Dan's at home with me
2. a healthy daughter
3. Liz & Erin
4. a job
5. health benefits
6. my Mom & Dad
7. a place to live
8. a/c that works in my car
9. grocercies I like to eat
10. lots of grass in the front yard
11. Chester the dog
12. a great boss
13. Jeff & Katie
14. computer access
15. a bike route to work on Thursday
16. people to eat lunch with
17. salsa friends
18. Ishabor, Pete & Joanna
19. text messaging
20. family
21. fun nail polish
22. high heels
23. new work clothes
24. lakes
25. bikes
26. legs that work
27. curly hair
28. Grandma & Grandpa's house
29. cousins
30. VBS
31. Pirate camp
32. internet access
33. Uncle Jess
34. bluetooth
35. the radio
36. JLo's new album "Love?"
37. the Bible
38. good sermons
39. stainless steel water bottle
40. cold filtered water at work
41. Advil
42. Dr. Archer
43. spreadsheets
44. online travel tools
45. warm shower
46. rooms with doors that close
47. Subway sandwiches
48. dancing shoes with double straps
49. memories
50. hospitals
51. Facebook
52. bankers, tax guys & lawyers
53. organizers for my desk
54. forgiveness
55. reimbursement checks
56. plants on my desk
57. Otter box cover for my iPhone
58. pictures of friends
59. New City Church
60. redemption
61. new beginnings
62. Mama Juana's
63. a new haircut
64. help moving again
65. Cai & Solvei
66. books
67. daily mail service
68. sonic toothbrush
69. paychecks
70. wireless
71. bus lines
72. Antonio
73. safe travels
74. craigslist
75. MAC makeup
76. sunshine
77. diffuser & hair products to make my hair curly
78. envelope-free ATMs
79. PODS
80. my comfy bed & sheets
81. Netflix
82. Karen and Heath
83. parks within walking distance of the house
84. a boss who doesn't micro-manage
85. music
86. an extra car seat for my kiddo
87. U-Haul
88. fun jewelry
89. an organized HR director
90. good babysitters
91. cash in my wallet
92. fun screen savers
93. voicemail that turns into email
94. a good sit on the couch
95. time with Dan
96. have I mentioned a healthy & very happy daughter :-)
97. a fun ring tone
98. snacks
99. cold soda (or "pop" as they call it)
100. ice
101. love

resilience

As of late, I've got a new appreciation for the word "resilience".  I've always had a sense for what the word meant, but lately, I FEEL what it means.
It means . . .

• leaving my beloved friends in California & mourning their presence . . .
• while driving across the country & starting life over from scratch . . .
• while my husband is out of town for the week . . .
• while my car overheats & the A/C breaks when it's 100+ degrees . . .
• while starting a new job & supporting a brand new CEO . . . 
• while learning everything at the same time . . .
• while leaving my daughter for 10 hours/day . . .
• while helping her process what's going on . . .
• while moving yet again after only 4 weeks of being here . . .
• while packing up everything we own at 4am so I can pick up my car by 7:30 . . .
• while I rush to be to work by 8 . . .
• while thinking about having to move again in a few more months . . .
• while mourning what I thought would be a turn for the better . . .
• while waiting for important paperwork that could change our lives . . .
• while processing all of the loss & all of the pain . . .
• while trying to manage all of the details in my 35 minute commute . . .
• while trying not to cry during the 3 short hours I see my kiddo each day . . .
• while trying to arrange childcare for a 3rd time in 2 months . . .
• ALL while not having danced in forever . . .

I give myself an A+ for resilience.  A nap would be good at this point.

let's make some music

Just accepted an offer as the Executive Assistant to the new CEO of Make Music.  She's an outstanding business woman, and I think I'll learn a lot from her.  Looking forward to enjoying the company of creative folks and making some music!

more for better

Remember sitting through wedding vows so many times . . . and hearing, "I __________  take you _________ in sickness & in health, for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse . . . until death do us part . . ."???

Dan & I were cracking up the other day.  We had a good laugh & decided that we could use a lot more of the "for better" part of life . . . bring on the for better!!!

pummeled by love

It's 2:36am, and I feel pummeled by love . . . literally beat up by it.  I cried so hard, from the overwhelming feeling of love that I cried my lashes off just now.

I've been up since 5:11am when I awoke to my bestie who was outside our house - waiting to help us get the yard sale stuff ready.  Then after running around all morning, went to buy us breakfast.

Shortly thereafter 5 friends showed up & washed every window in the house (inside & out!), along with the bathrooms, and helped organize a mountain of stuff.

Not to be outdone, my other friend showed up with her hubby & deep cleaned our kitchen!  Now THAT's love.

Me & Bobby

At approximately 7pm, I showed up to teach my final salsa class in LA, with my friend Bobby who gave me my first "real" salsa teaching opportunity last year.

Not to be outdone, my salsero friends threw me the most incredible, awesome, overwhelming party I can remember.  They got me this awesome cake & danced with me, and lavished the most incredible gifts on me. 

Me & Ruben - as painted by Ali

I got sparkly shoes, bracelets, paintings, vintage Mahalia Jackson vinyl framed, flowers, fans, wine, photo albums with pictures of SO many beloved friends.  I drove away sobbing . . . but not from sadness.  I felt beaten up by love . . . like it sat on my face & punched me all day long, so I won't ever forget just how good God is, and how kind his people are.   

Thank you Los Angeles . . . you have pummeled me with love & I will never forget you! 

sanctuary

When I think of a sanctuary, I usually envision the  gathering room of the church I grew up in.  Or I picture it as a holy place where only certain people can go.

In my mind, it's always been a big place where thousands of people could gather comfortably - all listening to one person preach.  I think that's definitely one good way to utilize a sanctuary.

However, today I realized I've come to view a sanctuary as a completely different kind of place.  

This is the picture of my sanctuary in Pasadena.  Though it doesn't look very impressive, it is a sacred space.  It's a safe place - a place where two souls came together every week for three years.

It is the place where I was listened to without judgment.  It is the place that has been a catalyst for change.  It is the place where I received God's deepest healing.  It is the place that reminds me of the goodness of God, and the strength of His love.  It is the place I have re-learned how to love . . . myself, God & others.

today's creations

I've been inspired lately . . . to create . . . especially in the midst of the transitions.  It's therapeutic - helps me think.

I plan to start my own small business when I get to MN - maybe get a booth at the Midtown Market on the weekends.  It's right in my favorite part of city. 

I'll be selling my own one-of-a-kind handmade jewelry (and maybe fun purses, sunglasses & hats too).  We'll see how it goes.

Here are today's creations.  Let me know if you want to buy one (or five :-). 

human spirit

Wow!  I needed this today . . . to be reminded of how beautiful & how strong the human spirit is.  This is worth the 8 minutes.

sparkles

Given the sheer volume of extreme situations that have come our way these last few months (near drowning, 8 day hospital stay, loss of all summer work & moving across the country), there has been an extraordinary amount of stress . . . which has lead to many sleepless nights, agonizing decisions, teary-eyed conversations etc.

Yesterday I jokingly told someone that I only had two goals: to stay out of jail & to stay sane.  To call life "stressful" is a GROSS understatement.  It has been excruciating.  And to make matters worse, in an attempt to be helpful, people (even friends) have said many incredibly hurtful & unhelpful things.

I would go so far as to say that I've been in danger of losing my "sparkle."  So yesterday, I went down to the fashion district (my favorite place in Los Angeles), and found these two gems as reminders of who I am.  I've decided that I will wear them every day between now & whenever I get my full sparkle back as a reminder of who I am.

Let the sparkle SPARKLE!

cracked up

In the midst of moving, there are so many things to do every day that I feel like my hair is on fire & I'm running as fast as I can to keep the fire out of my face.  

"Shatter" nail polish 

There are moving plans to make, goodbyes to say, interviews to complete, parties to throw, boxes to find, change of address forms to fill out, electricity to shut off, mail to forward etc.  

And then there is the larger task of trying to keep life as "normal" (whatever THAT is now) for our kiddo as possible.  

One of the things I do every week to help me feel normal - no matter the week - is to do my nails on Sundays after church.

  

This week I decided to try something new - the "shatter" polish from OPI.  I think it's a symbolic expression of how I feel - fragmented, but new - and cool.  Every time I look at them & crack up.  What am I?  Like 12 years old?  Yep - just trying to find something edgy to remind me of LA, while also reminding me of the newness & goodness of things to come.

sunshine & jasmine

It's funny how the strangest things elicit grief as Dan & I make the agonizing decision to move or not to move.

After we got home from the hospital on Wednesday afternoon, I was sitting out on the porch swing, watching Mahalia water the plants & grass.  I was walking down memory lane.  Wasn't it just 3 1/2 years that we moved into this little house - with it's NASTY yard?  And less than a year ago, I got my grass!!!

It's been amazing to watch the transformation of our lives.  Not only do we have a really cute yard now, but we've got an amazing church (can you say MIRACLE?), really great friends, a fun dance community, an incredible doctor etc. etc. etc.!!! 

So yesterday, when I was smelling the beautiful Jasmine that surrounds us everywhere in SoCal, I was brought to tears.  

I love, love, LOVE the smell of Jasmine.  It's everywhere here.  And literally EVERY day in the spring I stop somewhere & smell it up close.

And the sunshine . . . oh the sunshine!  I never tire of you, sunshine.  Every day I'm happy to see you!!!

What will I do without my sweet jasmine & sunshine?

begging

For two days straight my child has been begging me for something to eat. A pretzel. Rice & beans. Spaghetti with cheese sprinkles. A donut. Coffee. A burrito. Even broccoli!

It has been AGONIZING to constantly tell her no. Especially when the tears flow. There is nothing I would love more than to give her any food she wants. And food & drink are the most basic of requests! Saying no to food for an entire week is one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do as a parent. But she cannot heal completely without the agony up front.

As I've been telling myself this story, God literally spoke this story back to me. He said that He's doing the same thing with me. What I'm asking for is good & He wants to give it to me .....and WILL give it to me......eventually.

It's ice chips & jello until then (whenever "then" is).

pretzel wishes

We are back in the hospital after 18 short hours at home. My sweet, sad kiddo hasn't kept liquid nor food down since Tuesday. So today all we can give her is ice chips. Not even a Popsicle or jello.

After a few agonizing hours where they couldn't find her veins, she didn't talk & just laid still in the bed, we finally got some nausea meds. Within a few minutes she felt like a walk, so walk we did! We toured the grounds, bumping her IV cart along the cobblestone courtyard. We made our way into the lobby in the adjacent building where there were fountains.

Mahalia wanted to know why all the coins were in there. I explained that people throw the coins in the fountain as they make a wish. She blurted out, "I wish for a pretzel, Mom!"

I wish that all I wanted was a pretzel . . . But my wishes are a little bigger. God bless her with a pretzel sometime this week!

popsicles & sesame street

Here's how my last 36 hours have gone . . . 5:30am wake up to kiddo throwing up . . . 4 hours of that (poor thing!) . . . then she started to vomit blood.  Do not pass go.  Do not collect $200 (though that would be nice).  Fold her up in her blanket & drive straight to ER.

Unload her into wheelchair (while she's still vomiting - poor kid) . . . and into triage.  Wait while mouthfulls of blood continue pouring out her mouth (a-GUH-ni-zing . . . and YES, I did lose my patience with the "we don't have a bed available yet").  Dan arrives & we get her into the ER for all kinds of testing.  She says, "Mom, I really want to spend the night & take a ride" (she means when they push you through the halls on the rolling beds :-).

Then she's on the upswing . . . until 5 hours later when we give her something to drink.  Nope - nothing stays down.  So admitted into hospital's pediatric unit.  She got her wish . . . a ride through the halls on the bed (even in the elevator - a bonus, apparently).

Quiet night . . . seemed good.  Nursed 4 oz water over the course of 4 hours.  Nope - that didn't stay down either.  Upside: once it was out, she felt like a walk :-)

Then the serious fever set in this afternoon.  103 - so ice packs under the armpits.

Me . . . I'm just glad she's alive.  That vomiting large quantities of blood thing . . . not for me!

In the midst of all that life has thrown my way the last year, this experience has put it ALL into perspective.

Not out of the woods yet . . . but popsicles & Sesame Street ain't so bad.

vengeance

This stomach bug has come back . . . but with a vengeance!  

Spent yesterday morning in Urgent Care, yesterday afternoon mustering up the gumption to eat something (food sounds horrible), and all night purging it out of my system with unbelievable abdominal pain.  And the best part, is that no one will know anything for at least another 3-4 days.  

Dear Jesus . . . could you just throw me a bone.  Oh wait . . . I take that back.  No food please.  Could you just help me not feel like dying?  I'd really appreciate it.  Amen.

dinosaur bones

Most days Dan leaves around 7:30am, travels to 3 different schools during the course of the day, and then arrives back home around 8pm. Then he usually has to grade papers or prep the next day's lecture into the wee hours of the morning.

However, Dan is finally (& I do say FINALLY with emphasis . . . thank God!) done with his Tuesday/Thursday night classes for the year!!! Which means, we actually get to see him when the sun is out!

In honor of his first day without night classes (though there's still a Wednesday night class for a few more weeks), we went on a hike up in the mountains, which is one of the many perks of living in the foothills. It's been simply gorgeous lately, so the three of us put on our tennis shoes, pack our water & snacks & headed for the hills.

I think the best part (besides just being together) was Mahalia's excitement about everything from the birds, lizards & rocks to the the stream of water that we could hear but not see and the dinosaur bones in the ground.

wanna go short

I've had the itch to cut my hair.  I need votes please.  Which one do you think?

Shoulder Length

The Halle cute

Pixie cut

Soft Bangs

how do i forget?

After 37 years of life, how is it possible that I forget the simplest of things.  Most recently, how do I forget that the crazier life gets, the more important the basics become . . . basics like exercise, eating right & sleep.

It's so simple!  And yet they're the first to go.  I've done it for almost 4 decades, and yet, during this past season, I've managed to stop working out & get really good rest.  Somehow I thought that if I just worked harder, longer & more that I'd get more done.  Well, I've managed to work harder & longer, but I'm not sure I've gotten any more done.  I know what I've had more of though: more stress, more frustration, more sleepless nights & more pounds around the middle.  Ugh!

So today I went to yoga class.  I walked out & thought to myself, "Ahhhhh!  This is what it feels like to feel good."  I'm gonna do my best to NOT get amnesia again!

Got this little gem from my kiddo today.  Thanks Mrs. Coscarelli :-)

back on the trail

After taking a month hiatus, I'm back on the job hunting trail.  It's an interesting experience.  Tons of resume emailed, faxes sent, phone calls made & databases searched.  Funny (or completely frustrating) thing is that no one even acknowledges it.  Don't know if they ever got the email, fax, phone call because literally NO ONE responds.

The glaring exceptions were the 3 job leads given to me by friends back in March.  All three led to interviews.  So seems the equation is:

Resume + connection = interview

Resume - connection = no response whatsover

Anyone got connections?

9 days of agony

After nine days of agony . . . not being able to eat a full meal, feeling constant nausea,  visiting the doc, countless phone calls to the doctor, having no energy whatsoever & being completely lack-luster . . . I've pondered a few things.  It has been a very instructional time for me.  Suffering demands space for reflection.  I'm not entirely sure what I've learned yet.

Much to my displeasure, more often than not, I found myself frustrated & disappointed.  I'm still processing that stuff.  I'm trying to figure out what's just life, what's just living within community, what's just illness, what's just being a grown up, what's just being parent, and what's just me.

Lots to think about & process.  In the meantime, since I finally got my butt up off the couch today, I went & got Mahalia some craft supplies.  She's been DYING to make crafts lately!  So here are the latest creations.

PS - My doctor's best guess is that it was e-coli food poisoning.

what i don't like

After a week of feeling horrible, I've decided my least favorite part of being sick is my complete inability to think about or care about anything or anyone but myself.  

It's awful.  I feel like all I can think about is me & how I feel.  Me. Me.  Me!!!  I much prefer to be thoughtful, considerate & ready to engage the world.  But nope - this week it's been all about me.  It's given me a totally new perspective on those who suffer in chronic pain.

serious bug

I'm about to head in to see my OMD on a Saturday morning.  

It's been 7 days since the first sign of, what appeared to be, food poisoning.  Since then, I've felt crazy nauseous every day.  I've maybe eaten 1/2 meal each day - and even water makes me nauseous. 

No fever.  No pain.  Only CRAZY loud gurgling in my intestines & nausea like a pregnant woman on crack (and nope - not preggers! ;-)  Let's hope he can help!

on the mend

After 4 days of our family battling with food poisoning symptoms, I think we are finally on the mend (knock on wood).  I haven't felt this sick (nor have Mahalia or Dan) in AGES.  We've been laid up on the couch (or in bed) for two days straight - eating ice chips & barely eating anything . . . or if we tried, it wasn't pretty.

Anyhoo - now that I'm upright . . . thought I'd share one of my favorite photos from last week.  At Mahalia's school, they were teaching about the death & resurrection of Jesus and the Easter story. Being that Easter is my favorite day of the year, I was glad they're teaching her this story.

She was SO excited to show me the tomb across the parking lot from her classroom.  Hilarious that the tomb has a lock on it, right?  I guess it's in place of the stones for touring purposes :-)