beating the shit out

Normally when I used the phrase "beat the shit out" out of something, it's used in a not-so-pleasant kinda way . . . like "I got the shit beat out of me" (aka: got beat up). I conjures up images of bloody stuff that hurts . . . think Kill Bill meets Chuck Norris

Anyhoo - this last week has brought back a few painful memories of the past . . . disappointment with work, tough economy, friendships that turned sour, and other things that all of us agree just aren't all that fun.

But the one thing I've noticed through it all is that pain does one of two things - it embitters/hardens you or it softens you. Though I've gone through my angry phases (don't get it twisted, I'm not about denial), I'm happy to report that I'm coming out softer - kinder, more gentle, and less judgmental. I've kinda felt like a steak that's been "tenderized" - you know how you just keep whacking it (with a big old meat hammer or whatever they call those thingies) until it's really soft & tender - then you throw it in the oven & cook the sucker until it falls apart.

And as I was relaying to a friend how I'm kinda tired of the "tenderizing" phase, I found myself saying (outloud, not just in my head) quote, "I want God to beat the shit out of me . . . literally. I want life to keep coming at me until I am genuinely kind & loving." I don't want to just act kind & do loving things. I want to BE kind & loving . . . the kind of kind that meets criticism with gentleness instead of defensiveness . . .

Anyone else out there getting the shit beat of out them???

release is freedom

Each year, my sister has a theme for the year - the theme works as a guide throughout the year.

I can't remember exactly which year "release is freedom" was the theme, but we've had quite a few meaningful conversations about it. When I think freedom, I don't so much think of release - which is really quite ironic . . . given that being released from something say, like, prison would be GREAT news. But typically I think of freedom as having the time or space to get what I want - and I usually want MORE of whatever it is . . . clothes, dates with my hubby, great dances etc.

But this whole notion of "release is freedom" got me to thinking . . . and helped me let go of a bunch of stuff - physical and emotional. Over the last few months, I've let go of lots of stuff that I was hoping to hang on to for future use - like baby stuff, clothes, gadgets etc that I might need in the future. We had a yard sale & we also sold a bunch of stuff on Craig's list. Funny thing is - once I let it go, I felt free. No longer obligated to think about it, maintain it, protect it etc. Now there's space (literal space) . . . which in my world translates into peace.

So I'm wondering what else I need to release - cuz I'm diggin' the freedom.

forest fire

Ever have one of those moments when everything you got doesn't even come close to what you need? Been in a situation when people's best advice can't even touch the magnitude of what you're going through?

Me too. So when I heard my sister say, "I feel like I'm fighting a forest fire with a squirt gun," I burst out laughing. It was the perfect image. How ridiculous can you get? Can you imagine a 200 lb fire fighter in a blazing fire in the dry hills of SoCal with a squirt gun . . . heck, even a garden hose. Ain't no chance - no chance at all.

So the next time you're up against a forest fire, if you all you got is a squirt gun - at least you can have a good laugh!

adventures in missing the point

So the other day, a friend was relaying a story to me about how her sister (a devout christian) hasn't spoken to her in years . . .

After a little prompting from their Mom they had the opportunity to speak to one another recently. As my friend was relaying the story of how the conversation went, I was struck by something . . . Her sister (aka: "Devout Christian") was angry with her for walking away from God & for making different choices than they had grown up with as a family. "Devout Christian" wanted my friend to take responsibility for hurting her & for their broken relationship.

My friend (the awesomest friend!) graciously accepted responsibility for the things that she, in fact, could take responsibility for & let her sister know how much she wanted a relationship with her, regardless of their differences.

"Devout Christian" wouldn't take responsibility for any of the breakdown in the relationship. She insisted that my friend was at fault for everything, but couldn't see any of her part in their relationship taking a nose dive over the last decade.
As my friend was telling me, I started cracking up & said, "Isn't it ironic that the one who is working so hard to 'do the right things' is missing the point of grace so badly?"

Haven't we all done that . . . that thing where we so completely miss the point that it's laughable. I know I have. So when I thought about judging "Devout Christian" for missing the point so drastically, I was reminded of how many times I've completely missed the point myself.

There's a quote in the book Love is an Orientation by Andrew Marin (a must read, by the way) that I just love. I couldn't find the actual quote, but the gist is that, "It's the Holy Spirit's job to convict, Jesus' job to save, God the Father's job to judge & my job to love."

Wouldn't it be a different world if we all just did our job?

greatest joy

Lately, Dan & I have been wrestling through some tough decisions . . . the kind of decisions that alter the course of your life (for the rest of your life) . . . the kind of decisions that you think about, stay awake at night about, pray about, talk with friends about & agonize about. I've wrestled through the "shoulds," "norms," "oughts," "pros & cons," etc.

I don't know about you, but when you're making one of these kinds of life-altering decisions, people have all kinds of interesting/annoying/unhelpful/helpful/insightful advice. With regards to our decisions, I've heard all kinds of things - mostly the "same old, same old" stuff - not particularly helpful.

But then I was talking with a trusted friend . . . and she said something that blew my mind. She said to me "Emily - I don't know what you should do, but I encourage you to press into your greatest joy." WHAT!!!??? Press into your greatest joy? Then she followed up with, "I don't encourage you to look at this rationally or take too much stock in what is the easiest route. Our greatest joy often comes with the greatest struggle. But in the end, your heart will be full."

I was speechless. It resonnated deep in my spirit & I knew she was right . . . I need to press into my greatest joy.

103+ temp

So our kiddo has been sick the last few days . . . 103+ temp. So there's been lots of snuggling, too much TV, popsicles galore & plenty of temperature taking. I get FAR more snuggling when she's sick, so I don't mind it so much.

But here's my favorite moment . . .

perfect timing

Once or twice each year, I'm lucky enough to meet up with two of my favorite girlfriends (we're kinda like our own version of Sex in the City) for dinner. We all drive over an hour to meet together in person. And it's always colorful conversation.

We settled into our table at PFChang's, and it didn't take long (shortly after the chicken lettuce wraps & before the mongolian beef) for us to cut through the "fluff" and cut to the "real" stuff. Each of us went around the table & checked-in. It's been a tough year for all of us - from cancer scares to break-ups to shitty financial situations. Midway into the cashew chicken, we had all teared up at least once. It got pretty intense as we shared our struggles with one another.

But the best part was that our waiter managed to refill our water glasses EVERY time one of us started to cry. Literally, I started to bawl & he came for a refill. My friend was sharing the details of a breast biopsy & he came for a refill. By the 3rd time, I was laughing hysterically & I'm sure he was wondering what was in the water. It couldn't have been better comic relief if he'd tried. I only wish I could remember his name so I could give him a shout out. Thanks for the water & the relief.

in her eyes . . .

Last week I was at the beach with my daughter. Amidst building sand castles, jumping waves, eating snacks (& fighting off the seagulls), and re-applying sunscreen, we had a moment laying side-by-side on our towels. We were eyeball to eyeball - and it was a moment I won't forget . . . the moment I saw my reflection in her eyes.

I literally saw myself in her eyes & it moved me. It sparked a whole trail of thought . . .

I wondered what traits she'll have that come from me. What quirks will she get from me? What personality flaws will she get from me? What passions will she inherit from me? How will I influence her? What mistakes have I made that will impact her life? So many things poured through my head about her . . . and I felt crazy love. I wished I had a camera to capture the moment, but then realized a photo couldn't come close to what I felt in that moment.

Then I began to wonder how many little girls around the world never see their reflection in someone else's eyes . . .