give what you have

A while ago I was sad - really sad. I wished I could give a young person I care about all that they needed in a tough moment. He poured out his heart . . . feeling sad because he hasn't seen his father in years & really misses him. As the tears rolled down his cheeks, I fought back my own tears.

Later that day, I was angry - really angry. I was angry at the world. Angry at "the man." Angry that the system isn't working for him. The things he is dealing with at a young age are unjust - SO UNJUST.

Then I was frustrated - frustrated that I couldn't give him all that he needs in life. I felt frustrated that I saw such incredible need & could only give a small portion of what he needs.

Later that day, a very wise woman told me, "You can't give him everything he needs, but you can give what you have."

So often I focus on what I don't have, or what I'd like to have . . . or worse, what others have that I don't have. Then I get all bent out of shape because I can't play god. Shame on me. Shame on me for being so arrogant as to even think for one brief moment that I should have everything he needed - and causing him to be dependent on me. What he needs is far more profound than I could imagine - the depths of which only God can satisfy. What ALL of us need is far more profound than what any one person can possibly do.

We can't give others everything they need, but we CAN give what we have.

be the change

I recently read something in a book (that I HIGHLY recommend), called "The Myth of a Christian Religion" by Greg Boyd. In it, he says, "Often people want to change the world before they themselves are changed. It never works. In fact, I'd argue that nothing damages the world more than damaged people constantly trying to fix it. The best thing anyone can do for the world is to follow Gandhi's advice and simply be the change they want to see in the world."

I've "stewed" on that quote for weeks now . . . BE the change. I look back & see how many times I've talked about what needs to be changed, how it should be changed, criticized those who haven't changed, judged those who don't see a need for change etc. So when I read this, I was like, WHOA! I needed that slap in the face.

Just BE the change. Focus on myself. Work on BE-ing the change I long for in the world.

dump truck

So the other day, someone just backed the emotional truck up & dumped all over me.

It happened to be someone who I know loves me a lot, so on the one hand, I was bummed, sad, disappointed etc. Then on the other hand, I was cracking up inside. He has been emotionally illiterate our entire relationship. He (& no, it's not my hubby!) has done this MANY times over the course of our relationship, but this was the first time I was able to see the whole thing from "outside" . . . it was like an out-of-body experience. I "watched" it happen.

There he was, saying really mean stuff (based on info he got from someone else) . . . dumping all over me. No clarifying questions, no attempt to understand where I was coming from . . . just accusations & dumping.

Normally, I would defend myself & try to explain. This time I just listened in astonishment & said, "I need you help me to understand . . . I have no idea what you're talking about" which I think disarmed him a bit. Then after dumping a bunch more, he abruptly ended the conversation. Strange. Or maybe par for the course for our relationship.

Where do I go from here?

mommy sit

“Mommy sit!” has been my daughter's mantra since she could talk. Sometimes it comes in the form of a question, but usually it is phrased as a demand. “Mommy sit!” She begs me to sit on the floor and play. We have discovered the pleasures of choo-choo trains, little people, balls, dolls & cars.

When she said it the first few times, I didn’t think much of it. I just thought, “That’s cute. She wants me to play with her.” But the more she said it (and she says it many times every day), the more I began to reflect on the significance of “Mommy sit!” I’ve found that she’s not so interested in the sitting, as she is in the time spent without distraction.

As a type A, German, energetic woman with lots of things I’d like to do in any given day, let’s just say that “Mommy sit!” isn’t exactly my forte in life. If it isn’t on a list that I can check off (to demonstrate just how much I’ve done in a day) it probably doesn’t come natural to me. I’m motivated by action and accomplishment, by progress & growth.

But her insistence intrigued me. I began to see “Mommy sit” as a spiritual journey. For my daughter, “Mommy sit!” is the gift of my uninterrupted attention. “Mommy sit” means I’m not doing laundry or dishes. I’m not checking email. I’m not on the phone with another friend. I’m simply on the floor – eyeball to eyeball. Connected.

When I’m doing “Mommy sit!” I’m living in the moment with her. As I’ve begun to sit down more & “do” less, I’ve noticed a shift. I’ve noticed that I’ve tuned into her, but I've also tuned into my own life. I’ve found that I’m able to recognize my own emotions in any given moment. Instead of being focused on the past (frustrations of the day) or the future (what remains undone), I’m able to slip into the “NOW.”

It is also the realization that God is waiting for me. He’s waiting for me to say, “Daddy sit!” He’s got time. But do I? God is sitting on the park bench of my soul – waiting for me to sit down with him – to be still long enough to make a connection.

When I take time to sit & think, or to steal a few moments to read, or even just take a nap & rest, I find that God speaks to me. When I’m racing around, trying to find a “deal” at a local store, or finish one last project, I find that my mind is completely occupied. It’s occupied with a sort of drive. But when I’m able to slow my mind a bit, I find that space opens up for God to “sit” with me in my soul.

So each day when my daughter says, “Mommy sit,” I am reminded of just how willing God is to sit with me & look me in the soul, and spend uninterrupted time together. My prayer for myself is that I will learn to sit – with my daughter, with God, and in my own soul.

in the fullness of time

Ever labored towards something really hard for days, weeks - even decades? Things like becoming less judgmental, rebuilding broken relationships or staying calm in the midst of conflict . . . things that are hard to track & know when you've arrived.

You work at it with so much effort - you put thought into it. You talk to folks about it. You reflect on it & ask God to speak to you about it. Then you go back to the "grind stone" - cuz that's what it is - a grinding. You wonder, "Will I ever get there?" maybe you almost give up, but then you redouble your efforts.

Ever been so focused that you almost miss it when you get there? That almost happened to me - except that I woke up the next morning. I felt totally free. Refreshed. It was finished. I found myself mesmerized by it all - especially the feeling free part. I kinda thought it might never happen - but then there I was . . . done.

Somehow time had taken it's course & in the fullness of time it came to fruition. I love the concept "fullness of time" because it implies that time (the inner goings-on) have been happening all along & now just happens to be the fullness of it. It was a profound moment.

happy growth

The last few days have provided multiple "opportunities" (aka: miserable situations) to see if the new skills I've been working on (standing my ground without retaliating, being kind in the midst of hateful actions, speaking truth even in difficult situations) have really taken root.

In 2008 my goal was "no more drama" . . . and bit by bit, I began to look at each aspect of my life & intentionally hit the "delete" button on any drama. 2009 has been the culmination of quite a few of those decisions . . . and I'm happy to say I'm doin' it! Not 100% all the time, but enough to feel deep satisfaction.

So yesterday (which had multiple crazy situations) was a proving ground - and I'm happy to say that at the end of the day, I was laughing & simply moving forward . . . not getting stuck in old patterns, not playing the blame game, not letting it all drag me too far down. We went out to the mall to hang out & at the end of the night, Dan bought me a shirt I've been eyeing for about 2 months. When I asked him why, he said, "Happy growth!"

It was so fun to celebrate the growth . . . and today, I took a friend out to celebrate her growth & got her a couple of cute "growth" shirts too. I love celebrating the things that really matter! (Please excuse the self portrait via mirror!)