a different place

Tuesday will mark our 8th anniversary. It's mental gymnastics to remember the last 2,920 days of life lived together.

I remember back to our wedding day - one of the most beautiful days of our life. We were surrounded & celebrated by so many loved ones. The next day we moved to NorCal & went through hell - disowned by the very ones who had mentored Dan for over a decade. It was an incredible contrast.

Since then, there has been a move to Pasadena, 3 moves within Pasadena, many job transitions, 1 Masters degree earned, 1 dissertation written, 1 PhD finished, 1 baby girl born, countless hours of counseling, hundreds of movies watched & footrubs enjoyed, birthdays celebrated, many visitors from various places, 1 book published & 2 more on the way, thousands of hours of salsa danced, many cups of coffee enjoyed with friends, and a gazillion hours of talking between the two of us.

As we were driving to our weekend getaway last night, I was being the DJ while Dan was driving - and we were reminiscing about life. It's hard for me to imagine my life without Dan. To this day, he is still the coolest person I know, and I've never met another who even came close to what I feel for him. I wish this kind of love for every woman - to know the love of a man who is 100% for her. I think the world would be a different place.

released from the tyranny

Was talking with my sister today, and as often happens, she said something that struck me to the core. I said, "Now THAT's gonna be a blog later today!"

So we were talking about our issues (since we have so many - ha!) & were cracking up about a variety of things. We were talking about growth, pain, heartache, desire & all of that stuff. Then she blows me away . . .

She says, "I've finally been released from the tyranny of what I want." I literally sat down (outside on the curb) because I know this is gonna be good.

Then she continued . . . "I realized that so many of the things that I want so desperately have been keeping me driven." She explained how she's been continually pursuing things with a ferocity & yet never attaining them. But since she's let go of her desires & learned to live with the life she actually has, she's become satisfied.

Whoa! It took me a while to chew it all over.

She continued by saying that so much of her life today isn't at all what she had wanted. But she's deeply satisfied with it. It rang so true in my own spirit. When we are released from the tyranny of our own desires, and learn to live with the life we have (instead of constantly fighting against it), a certain space is created . . . wherein deep satisfaction can reside. Thanks again, sis!

what i've learned from bronchitis & sinusitis

So yesterday (after cancelling my much-anticipated trip to MN to see family & friends, and going to the doctor) I was diagnosed with bronchitis & sinusitis. No wonder I've felt so horrible!

But here's what I've learned . . . that you cannot survive without community. I also learned that I have a very special group of friends. Carrie took Mahalia on Monday afternoon (cuz I felt like I got hit by a bus). Tuesday, Mandy & Aki, stayed with Mahalia for a bit so I could get out. Yesterday (when I felt like I got hit by a bus AND the metro), Sherri came & took Mahalia overnight & will drop her off at school today.

Then there have been countless people who have been calling, texting & emailing, offering to help in various ways. Even though I have felt horrible, I've felt the love of my people. While I often wish that I lived closer to my family, my friends have become my family - and for that, I am deeply grateful. I truly couldn't have done it this week without you.

the very best

So I have a friend, Angela, who has been one of the VERY BEST friends I could've ever hoped for! She has touched my life in SO many ways - all for the good.

She came for a 5 day visit . . . and we lived it up! Check it out: http://angeladeann.blogspot.com/ I wish everyone could have a friend as good as Angela.

i can breathe

Today marks the beginning of week #5 of being sick. I was pretty optimistic & upbeat weeks #1 & 2. However, yesterday was a real low.

I haven't been able to breathe through my nose for days (despite taking a gazillion different types of decongestant, nettie pot, cough drops, tea tree chest rub, hot showers etc.). Not being able to breathe makes sleeping nearly impossible. So even though I'm exhausted, I can't sleep for more than 1/2 hour at a time.

Thankfully, a friend rescued me yesterday. She took Mahalia for the WHOLE afternoon while Dan was at work. I laid on the couch for 5 hours straight - trying (unsuccessfully) to sleep. However, I was SOOOO very grateful not to have to parent at the same time!

Dan leaves in less than an hour for a conference - and we won't see him for a week. Meanwhile, we'll board a plane for Minnesota tomorrow to visit family & friends. Should be interesting!

Ironically (or maybe not), the only thing that seems to help is dancing. When I dance, I can breathe. Huh - kinda sounds like a metaphor for my life.

suffering & solitude

What are the key qualities of wise people - "sages." I've run into a few lately & have wondered . . . What makes them tick? Why do they have a palatable inner peace that you can personally experience through them? Why do we listen to them & take their advice so seriously?

There's a quality to what they're saying that you just can't find in others . . . I started wracking my brain wondering, "what's the common denomator?" After considerable time, I think it's the combination of suffering & solitude. Anyone wanna sign up? Doesn't sound all that fun, right?

Seriously, what makes people (usually a bit older & not the image of perfect "beauty") so worth being around? I really think it's the fact that they've been through some stuff - crazy stuff, painful stuff, excruciating difficult stuff. Maybe death, loss, depression, sadness etc. But that's not enough. Everyone experiences suffering.

It's the fact that they take it one step further - they take their suffering into that quiet place of reflection & become changed. Let's call it solitude. They don't simply press on, work harder & stuff the pain. They sit in the pain & become transformed.

Look at the flip side. Ever met someone who's been through some really painful stuff, but they just press on as if nothing has happened? Being around them is nutty - they're a flurry of activity. They repeat the same old stuff that STILL hasn't gotten them anywhere. They work harder & run faster. But are they any wiser? Or are they simply avoiding the pain? Are they trying to run so fast that they can't see what's inside?

So since we all will experience suffering, what if we took it to the next level?

crazy or disappointed?

One of the most difficult things I'm learning to do is to do as a "grown up" is to live with disappointment.

Growing up a Gen X-er (particularly a woman), I thought that I could "have it all." What I'm learning is that "having it all" is really too much. If you have everything, it's simply to much to take in all at once. If I try everything on the menu, I can't possibly savor each unique taste. Same thing with life . . . sometimes having everything makes everything less "tasty" - less special.

But not being able to "taste" everything in life can sometimes feel like a disappointment. For instance, when I chose to get married, it meant moving away from my entire community - my family, friends, neighbors, favorite hang-out spots etc. For the first few years (we're coming up on 8 now!) I made myself CRAZY trying to maintain the relationships I had back in my beloved community. I tried so hard to keep everything as it had been. I was so sad to have moved away that I made myself sick (literally).

Then thankfully, a couple of years ago, I began to experience a shift. I started to be able to contemplate living with disappointment . . . living with the reality that things would never be the same - EVER. Once I surrendered to the disappointment, I found that the "crazies" began to leave. Once I was able to admit the disappointment, I no longer felt bound to keep trying to make it all work.

I never thought that living with disappointment would help me let go of the crazy.