sunshine & jasmine

It's funny how the strangest things elicit grief as Dan & I make the agonizing decision to move or not to move.

After we got home from the hospital on Wednesday afternoon, I was sitting out on the porch swing, watching Mahalia water the plants & grass.  I was walking down memory lane.  Wasn't it just 3 1/2 years that we moved into this little house - with it's NASTY yard?  And less than a year ago, I got my grass!!!

It's been amazing to watch the transformation of our lives.  Not only do we have a really cute yard now, but we've got an amazing church (can you say MIRACLE?), really great friends, a fun dance community, an incredible doctor etc. etc. etc.!!! 

So yesterday, when I was smelling the beautiful Jasmine that surrounds us everywhere in SoCal, I was brought to tears.  

I love, love, LOVE the smell of Jasmine.  It's everywhere here.  And literally EVERY day in the spring I stop somewhere & smell it up close.

And the sunshine . . . oh the sunshine!  I never tire of you, sunshine.  Every day I'm happy to see you!!!

What will I do without my sweet jasmine & sunshine?

begging

For two days straight my child has been begging me for something to eat. A pretzel. Rice & beans. Spaghetti with cheese sprinkles. A donut. Coffee. A burrito. Even broccoli!

It has been AGONIZING to constantly tell her no. Especially when the tears flow. There is nothing I would love more than to give her any food she wants. And food & drink are the most basic of requests! Saying no to food for an entire week is one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do as a parent. But she cannot heal completely without the agony up front.

As I've been telling myself this story, God literally spoke this story back to me. He said that He's doing the same thing with me. What I'm asking for is good & He wants to give it to me .....and WILL give it to me......eventually.

It's ice chips & jello until then (whenever "then" is).

pretzel wishes

We are back in the hospital after 18 short hours at home. My sweet, sad kiddo hasn't kept liquid nor food down since Tuesday. So today all we can give her is ice chips. Not even a Popsicle or jello.

After a few agonizing hours where they couldn't find her veins, she didn't talk & just laid still in the bed, we finally got some nausea meds. Within a few minutes she felt like a walk, so walk we did! We toured the grounds, bumping her IV cart along the cobblestone courtyard. We made our way into the lobby in the adjacent building where there were fountains.

Mahalia wanted to know why all the coins were in there. I explained that people throw the coins in the fountain as they make a wish. She blurted out, "I wish for a pretzel, Mom!"

I wish that all I wanted was a pretzel . . . But my wishes are a little bigger. God bless her with a pretzel sometime this week!

popsicles & sesame street

Here's how my last 36 hours have gone . . . 5:30am wake up to kiddo throwing up . . . 4 hours of that (poor thing!) . . . then she started to vomit blood.  Do not pass go.  Do not collect $200 (though that would be nice).  Fold her up in her blanket & drive straight to ER.

Unload her into wheelchair (while she's still vomiting - poor kid) . . . and into triage.  Wait while mouthfulls of blood continue pouring out her mouth (a-GUH-ni-zing . . . and YES, I did lose my patience with the "we don't have a bed available yet").  Dan arrives & we get her into the ER for all kinds of testing.  She says, "Mom, I really want to spend the night & take a ride" (she means when they push you through the halls on the rolling beds :-).

Then she's on the upswing . . . until 5 hours later when we give her something to drink.  Nope - nothing stays down.  So admitted into hospital's pediatric unit.  She got her wish . . . a ride through the halls on the bed (even in the elevator - a bonus, apparently).

Quiet night . . . seemed good.  Nursed 4 oz water over the course of 4 hours.  Nope - that didn't stay down either.  Upside: once it was out, she felt like a walk :-)

Then the serious fever set in this afternoon.  103 - so ice packs under the armpits.

Me . . . I'm just glad she's alive.  That vomiting large quantities of blood thing . . . not for me!

In the midst of all that life has thrown my way the last year, this experience has put it ALL into perspective.

Not out of the woods yet . . . but popsicles & Sesame Street ain't so bad.

vengeance

This stomach bug has come back . . . but with a vengeance!  

Spent yesterday morning in Urgent Care, yesterday afternoon mustering up the gumption to eat something (food sounds horrible), and all night purging it out of my system with unbelievable abdominal pain.  And the best part, is that no one will know anything for at least another 3-4 days.  

Dear Jesus . . . could you just throw me a bone.  Oh wait . . . I take that back.  No food please.  Could you just help me not feel like dying?  I'd really appreciate it.  Amen.

dinosaur bones

Most days Dan leaves around 7:30am, travels to 3 different schools during the course of the day, and then arrives back home around 8pm. Then he usually has to grade papers or prep the next day's lecture into the wee hours of the morning.

However, Dan is finally (& I do say FINALLY with emphasis . . . thank God!) done with his Tuesday/Thursday night classes for the year!!! Which means, we actually get to see him when the sun is out!

In honor of his first day without night classes (though there's still a Wednesday night class for a few more weeks), we went on a hike up in the mountains, which is one of the many perks of living in the foothills. It's been simply gorgeous lately, so the three of us put on our tennis shoes, pack our water & snacks & headed for the hills.

I think the best part (besides just being together) was Mahalia's excitement about everything from the birds, lizards & rocks to the the stream of water that we could hear but not see and the dinosaur bones in the ground.

wanna go short

I've had the itch to cut my hair.  I need votes please.  Which one do you think?

Shoulder Length

The Halle cute

Pixie cut

Soft Bangs

how do i forget?

After 37 years of life, how is it possible that I forget the simplest of things.  Most recently, how do I forget that the crazier life gets, the more important the basics become . . . basics like exercise, eating right & sleep.

It's so simple!  And yet they're the first to go.  I've done it for almost 4 decades, and yet, during this past season, I've managed to stop working out & get really good rest.  Somehow I thought that if I just worked harder, longer & more that I'd get more done.  Well, I've managed to work harder & longer, but I'm not sure I've gotten any more done.  I know what I've had more of though: more stress, more frustration, more sleepless nights & more pounds around the middle.  Ugh!

So today I went to yoga class.  I walked out & thought to myself, "Ahhhhh!  This is what it feels like to feel good."  I'm gonna do my best to NOT get amnesia again!

Got this little gem from my kiddo today.  Thanks Mrs. Coscarelli :-)

back on the trail

After taking a month hiatus, I'm back on the job hunting trail.  It's an interesting experience.  Tons of resume emailed, faxes sent, phone calls made & databases searched.  Funny (or completely frustrating) thing is that no one even acknowledges it.  Don't know if they ever got the email, fax, phone call because literally NO ONE responds.

The glaring exceptions were the 3 job leads given to me by friends back in March.  All three led to interviews.  So seems the equation is:

Resume + connection = interview

Resume - connection = no response whatsover

Anyone got connections?

9 days of agony

After nine days of agony . . . not being able to eat a full meal, feeling constant nausea,  visiting the doc, countless phone calls to the doctor, having no energy whatsoever & being completely lack-luster . . . I've pondered a few things.  It has been a very instructional time for me.  Suffering demands space for reflection.  I'm not entirely sure what I've learned yet.

Much to my displeasure, more often than not, I found myself frustrated & disappointed.  I'm still processing that stuff.  I'm trying to figure out what's just life, what's just living within community, what's just illness, what's just being a grown up, what's just being parent, and what's just me.

Lots to think about & process.  In the meantime, since I finally got my butt up off the couch today, I went & got Mahalia some craft supplies.  She's been DYING to make crafts lately!  So here are the latest creations.

PS - My doctor's best guess is that it was e-coli food poisoning.

what i don't like

After a week of feeling horrible, I've decided my least favorite part of being sick is my complete inability to think about or care about anything or anyone but myself.  

It's awful.  I feel like all I can think about is me & how I feel.  Me. Me.  Me!!!  I much prefer to be thoughtful, considerate & ready to engage the world.  But nope - this week it's been all about me.  It's given me a totally new perspective on those who suffer in chronic pain.