nothing similar

Exactly one year ago, I was living in a basement . . . someone else's basement.  Having moved across the country once & across that city yet again, I was in a job I loathed, working for a boss I who belittled me.  I was depressed . . . more depressed than I've ever been.  Technically it was "home" - meaning it's where I grew up.  But nothing felt like home, except the love of my parents.  I lost dear, dear friends.  I lost my community.  I lost my time at home with my kiddo.  I lost my desire to wake up in the morning.

Fast forward a year. 

Having moved for the third time in less than 10 months, we live in a beautiful apartment with great neighbors.  Dan is happily settled into his career.  Mahalia is enjoying Kindergarten at our neighborhood public school.  And me . . . I've started new friendships.  I've got a job that fits me amazingly well with a boss who truly appreciates what I bring to the table.  I love waking up every morning & can't wait for each day to start.  I am no longer depressed.  I finally feel like I'm home.  My heart is grateful.

In some ways, nothing is similar to last year - barely even a resemblance.  And yet I'm entirely the same me . . . just happier . . . and a fab new haircut.  

tennis

I played 2 hours of tennis this morning with a fun new group of people (thanks to my new salsa friend Catherine who hooked me up with these folks).

I haven't played tennis since last summer (and then only once).  And prior to that, it's been almost 5 years since I played regularly, so they were very kind to put up with all of my lousy shots.

Pleased to say that I won my service game, and hit a few decent shots.  Though I'm painfully out of practice, I'm looking forward to playing more regularly.

beautiful

Had coffee with a beautiful new friend this morning & it was wonderful.  I learned so much about her, and she took the time to learn about me too.  She is authentic, easy to talk to, non-judgmental and comfortable with tears. 

Interestingly enough, I learned that her mother's favorite flower was the yellow rose (a symbol of friendship).  She obviously knew how to be a good friend, and I'm grateful, because I'm reaping the benefits.  Can't wait for our next date in a couple of weeks.

cleanse

Just finished a 21 day cleanse.  It's been nothing but fruits & veggies all day every day.  OK, so I ate a cupcake once . . . and was SO nauseous.  You can rest assured I regretted cheating!

Boy do I feel great!  It's amazing how much more energy I have & how much better my daily attitude has been.  Lingering depression: gone.  Stomach bloating: gone.  Funky attitude: gone.

SO thankful for fruits & veggies.  I've done it before, but how quickly I forget the benefits of feeling good.

Now the challenge: to keep it up & continue to feel great.

being known

There are a few unique things about my experience in Chicago so far:

1. People are QUICK on the horn
2. Drivers are NUTS (already been rear-ended.  Nope - not hurt.)
3. Folks like to talk a LOT (mostly monologues)

Regarding #3: it's kinda funny how people here just talk . . . no dialogue.  Just talking.  In fact, had someone over for dinner this week who talked for 3 hours straight.  Tried to redirect a few times to allow others into the conversation, but nope.  Didn't work.

So it's been great having my friend, CyBelle, here.  She is one of the best question-askers I know . . . and she cares (deeply) about the answers.  I've gotten to share so much the last 4 days.  It's been very helpful for my soul to be asked questions & then allowed to share the answers in a safe place.

And then there's the fact that her mantra has been "I just wanna see your world."  How great it's been to have someone want to just come & BE with me!  No agenda other than being together.

Showing off one of her favorite places: Sue the T-Rex at the Field Museum

And finally, she's engaged my kiddo.  Mahalia adores her, because CyBelle sees her, plays with her, talks to her etc.  It's been such a great reminder of the power of presence & the importance of being known.

honesty

Took Mahalia in for her first eye exam.  

The doctor asked me if she had any problems (of course, referring to her eyes), so I said, "No.  No problems at all."  Then Mahalia jumped in & said, "Yes I do, Mom.  Sometimes I'm not a good listener."  I just about died laughing. 

I simply adore her honesty.

Eye Exam

moments

I've never been accused of being the best mom.  Nope - I don't claim to be the best.  I do the best I can, but I'm no saint.  And I'm certainly not the best mom.

In fact, for Mother's Day, my annual tradition is to spend the majority of the day alone.  It's my day to remember & honor the fact that I am first and foremost a woman, and secondarily a wife & mother.  I spend the day in solitude - doing what I want to do, thinking the thoughts I want to think, and reflecting on my own life.

After a glorious day alone, something hit me.  My kiddo only has three months until Kindergarten.  Which means that in three months, the days of all-day adventures Monday-Friday will be gone.  So I've decided to create as many memories as I can these next three months & enjoy the moments.  

Here are a few moments I've already savored from this week:

Mahalia working on her creation

The final product

Checkin' out the dinos at Field Museum

Enjoying a romp through the park

Playin' with the pooches at the dog beach

day 5

I've been cooking almost entirely at home & dancing/working out regularly . . . and still  gaining inches (argh!).  My clothes were so tight that they actually hurt.  Ugh!  My thyroid decided to go haywire again.  Though I've been on meds & feel better than last fall, still not 100%.

So I decided to do a cleanse.  Fruits, vegetables & lentils only for 21 days.  No meat, no sugar, no caffeine, no fillers, nothing processed.  Everything organic.  

Today is day five.  And . . . I . . . feel . . . G  R  E  A  T!!!

Homemade guacamole!

Lentil, tomato, basil soup - yum!

Yes, people - I feel FABULOUS!  It's so amazing to have energy, think clearly, feel optimistic & want to play!  Here are a couple of the things I've made today.  So yummy!

between scooters & cookie dough

Yesterday with my kiddo was hilarious. 

I simply adore her.  There are so many facets to her, but one of my favorite (as with all kids), is her ability to go from very mundane things (like making cookies & riding scooters with the neighbors) to asking incredible questions. 

Here are a few recent gems: 

• We delivered some lunch to Dan & his students. When I asked if she'd like to stay & have a pizza with Daddy's students, she responded "I'd be delighted to meet Daddy's new students!"  (What is she, like 55? :-)
  
• "Um Mom, why are there only boys & girls in this lifetime?"
  
• When dancing wildly to one of her favorite CD's, she announced that I should watch her do the "commotions" (thought I'd die laughing)
  
• Since this week's Dancing with the Stars Episode (that had the group KISS on it - yeah, THANKS DWTS - read in sarcasm), she's been obsessed with painting her face white and "doodling" KISS on the computer (yeah, she means "googling" them)
  
• And her best (impossible to answer question so far), "If God is so big, how does he fit in our hearts?"

livin' the dream

Back when Dan started his Master's Degree almost ten years ago, he dreamed of the day when he'd have his own office (along with a full time job), complete with many book shelves, his degrees framed & on the walls, a university-provided computer, and co-workers he enjoys.

So today, I join the celebration . . . the office is done and . . . . DRUM ROLL PLEASE . . . . all of the books fit onto the shelves!!!  A true scholar's dream come true!

wide open

I've been spending all of these last few months helping our little family of three transition.  We've had to find the grocery stores, unpack, file taxes, get new IL driver's licenses & all of the other mundane stuff of life that has to be done in a new state.  I've been doing all of the official "other duties as assigned" stuff for our family.  

Now that our boxes are unpacked, our godsons & my folks have broken in our guest bedroom, the first two conferences are done and Dan's office at work is finally 100% complete . . . it's time for me to figure out what's next for me.

What's been SO cool is watching God's vision for Dan come alive.  Literally, since the day I met him, God has given me very vivid visions of what Dan's calling was.  It's a dream come true to watch it unfold before my eyes.  But I haven't had that same clarity of vision for my own life.

I find myself in a very interesting spot.  I've had three careers in my almost 40 years.  I've lived in three states.  And I have a kazillion (that's Mahalia's favorite number these days) interests that I'm open to pursuing. 

So beginning Easter Sunday (Easter being my favorite holiday), I'm beginning a season of discernment.  I'm thinking it'll be at least 40 days - maybe longer.  But I'm hoping to walk away with clear vision & direction for myself.

my kids

I have four children.  One is biological.  Three are not.  But all three are mine.  I have loved all four since birth (except the first - didn't meet him until he was four).  It's amazing how a heart can love that which it did not personally grow inside first.

Those of you who have adopted or have godchildren - or who simply love others' children deeply can relate to what I'm saying.  There is something special about children & how our hearts get attached.  Devohn was my first.  Technically he is Marie's.  But he asked me to be his godmother when he was four.  Then came Antonio, my second son.  Then Ma'Jari.  Last came my first daughter.

Eating Chicago Deep Dish Pizza

Everyone got new shoes for Spring Break

Fun at the zoo!

So being our new home & having them together again has been a joy.  My heart is full & I'm deeply grateful for our abiding love over these last 15 years.

every square inch

This week, I had told Mahalia that we were going to be cleaning her room, as it had become an opportunity for broken bones - literally every square inch of the small room had something on it.  It looked like a bomb exploded.  I put it off for a few days, but was planning to get to it yesterday afternoon.

As is our usual custom, she either takes a nap or a quiet rest in the afternoons.  Yesterday, we helped some friends with a project, so didn't get home in time for a nap - so quiet rest time, it was.  Throughout the course of the 60 minutes she was in there, I heard regular banging (nothing big enough to warrant in interruption in my time alone though :-).

So you can imagine my SHOCK when I walked in to see this . . .

I literally couldn't believe my eyes!

When I asked her why she did it, she said, "Because it takes too long when you do it with me, Mom."

Well, bring on the solo cleaning!!!

an hour

Our weekly Friday tradition is to go to Sukhadia's to get the most delicious Indian dessert.  Mahalia & I pick it up, so that when Dan arrives home from work, we eat dessert first - and then dinner :-)  So yesterday, since it was such a gorgeous day, Mahalia & I decided to walk to the restaurant (about a 20 minute walk). 

I thought LA was diverse . . . but the north side of Chicago is a whole other story!  We were gone for an hour, and within that hour, I only saw three other white people (a family walking a dog).  Other than that, we (we'll me, really, since Mahalia is Blaxicasian) were the only Caucasian folks.  It was the coolest feeling - to be surrounded by such incredible, beautiful diversity.

If you know me, you know I LOVE people from other cultures.  There is something so beautiful about the way God expresses himself through people & their way of life.  I find it to be a wealth of adventure & lifelong learning that inspires me & intrigues me to constantly be learning and trying new things.

Our neighborhood is a solid mixture of Indian folks, Jewish folks, and Muslim folks.  There are Qurans, Temples (Hindu & Jewish), and Mosques everywhere. It's remarkable, really.  So many people from such incredibly different backgrounds - all sharing a few square miles together. I'm anxious to re-learn the history I've been taught as a white American & learn more about their culture, so I have an even greater appreciation for my community, for them, and for God's creativity.

wall of fame

My most favorite part of decorating each home Dan & I have shared together, is when the "Wall of Fame" goes up.  This morning, the Wall of Fame finally went up.  It's what you see when you first walk in the front door.

It's how we keep a visual reminder of those we hold dear - especially as we share stories with new friends.  Now that we live in Chicago, most of our beloved are far away, so it's a great reminder of the many who have loved us over the years.  Thank you to each of you who have become family to us.  We cherish you.

our song

This morning commenced the church-hunting expedition.  It's one of my least favorite things about moving to a new city.  But I'm pleased to say that it was actually a good experience.  Some folks invited us to come & we were pleasantly surprised by what we found there.

My favorite moment was when they started singing a song . . . and Mahalia shoots me a HUGE smile & says, "That's OUR song, Mom!"  Little does she remember that was one of the four songs I sang to her multiple times every day when she was first born.  It was one of the four songs I wanted etched into her mind from the beginning . . . and apparently it worked :-)

3 luckys

Today, as we were leaving the Playland (where Mahalia had just played with 3 new friends for over an hour, after she got a sucker from the teller at the bank), and I announced that she didn't have to take a nap (but could do quiet rest time instead), she shouted, "Oh mom!  I've had three luckys today!"

After my last ranting post (yeah, I let it all hang out & sometimes it ain't so pretty people), I sat down & reminded myself that everything was fine & that I needed to chill out.  There are SO many things to be grateful for . . . and I've certainly had more than three luckys myself in the last 24 hours.

I'm amazed at how fickle emotions are (at least mine, anyway).  One of my priorities in this season is to remind myself of truth, regardless of how I feel.  What strikes me is that the luckys come & the unluckys come.  We've all had our share of both.  But what I've learned about the luckys & the unluckys is that both come as a result of grace.  Sometimes our luckys or unluckys come as a result of choices.  But then there are many MANY times, when luck (grace) has it's way in our lives, regardless of choice.  I realize that may sound like heresy to my American (it's all about my choices) mindset, but so much of life is grace - being given in it's many forms.  I tend to prefer the "lucky" form of grace, but I find that God has done some of His best work during the unluckiest of times.

Speaking of undeserved gifts - here is one of the most recent.  Our kitchen is so SO beautiful (& spacious) - it inspires me (even ME, the lame-o cook) to whip up dishes of varying sorts.  It's big enough that we were able to put this beauty in.  It doubles as a work/storage space and table (on the back side).  I still can't believe I call this place home!

letting go

Today I suck at letting go - as in, "let go & let God."  Today I'm frustrated & anxious, and filled with rage for the bazillion things that aren't settled in my world.  Today, I'm freakin' sick of transition.  Isn't 9 months of transition enough?  I just want everything working right NOW!  

I want my cell phone to work in my house.  I want my internet connected.  I want a car door that doesn't fall off every time I open it.  I want my husband to be home to help me.  And I want friends to boot!  Oh - and a babysitter.

And as of tomorrow, I won't have internet for a week.  So the bazillion things that need to get done will take even longer.  UGH.

And YES, I'm giving myself a good "talking to" but it's not working.  I'm telling myself to calm down.  I'm telling myself that there is no emergency.  I'm telling myself to take a deep breath.  And ya know what?!  I don't want to calm down.  I wanna rant & rage . . . and I want to feel better.  But ranting & raving isn't helping (surprise, right?!).

So I guess I'll stop typing & go sit down for a minute.  When . . . oh when will I feel settled? 

on the walls

Well . . . it's official.  We're all moved in!  The beds are assembled, the table is up, the address is changed, the washer & dryer are hooked up (I'm about 8 loads of laundry in), and the pictures are on the walls.

It feels good to be home.  It feels good to have a home.  It's good to have a beautiful home that has more room than I've ever had before.  I'm so thankful for the fresh start.  And I'm incredibly grateful for the many lessons learned, tears cried, and friends made during this last season.  May it spill into this next spring & help usher spring into others' lives.

i went

Hemmed & hawed all evening about going dancing.  At 9:15 I dragged myself out of the house, kicking & screaming (odd, given how much I love it, no?).  Anyhoo - I felt awkward, nervous & just generally non-fabulous about the whole thing.
But then I heard the music outside the door & immediately felt the rhythm stirring inside.  Took off my 3 layers of extra clothes & sat - anxiously awaiting my first Chicago salsa.  Would I remember how to dance?  Would my style fit with the guys' style?  Would my body hold up (I'm WAY out of shape)?  Would anyone even ask me to dance?

Then an older gentleman (which can sometimes turn out to be a TOTAL bust) asked me to dance, and he was . . . drum roll please . . . uh-may-zing!!!  Amazing people!  He rocked it!  I immediately forgot about all my inhibitions & was sucked into the music & the fun.  After the dance, he told me I was a goddess (gotta love such a compliment every now & then - especially when ya feel frumpy). 

And from there it was salsa heaven . . . dance after dance of pure bliss.  I love salsa bliss!

will i or won't i . . . ?

So we've been here five days now.  I think it's about time I go out dancing.  It's snowing.  I wanna go.  I'm tired.  I'm feeling kinda shy tonight.
Will I go, or won't I? 

a clicker & three states

Woke up at 4:45am yesterday & popped out of bed.  I was so excited to be driving to my new home, I couldn't wait until my usual 6am wake up time!  Same thing happened this morning.  I guess I'm a little excited.
 With my parents' help, I packed the car quick & was on the road before eight.  As I backed out of my folks' driveway for the last time (as a resident) I noticed the dent of the returned "clicker" (aka: garage door opener) on the sun visor.  It was bitter-sweet.  For the last 7 months I have had the incredible privilege of living in their home & being surrounded by their love & generosity.  It was an incredible refuge during the most difficult of times.  What a gift to know them this way.  I will be forever grateful for those few months together, and will miss the daily-ness of living life together.



Mahalia with Grandpa & Chester



Mahalia & I spent the next eight hours on the road.  The trip went by really fast.  Eight hours (and three states) wasn't nearly enough time to process all that has transpired this last year.  And it certainly couldn't fit all that I dream for the future. 

I got to be near for the birth of my new nephew!

the other side

The last seven days have been full - finished my job & said goodbye to all of my co-workers, had Mahalia's going-away party, finished packing, put it all in the POD, cleaned & rearranged the house for my Mom, packed the Civic to the gills & drove 411 miles to get to our hotel, started a job, and are living out of our suitcases (literally).

Dan's new office!  Can't wait to decorate it!!!

The great news: Dan LOVES his new job!  Haven't seen him this excited in eleven years.  Does my heart good.  More great news: got to spend lots of time with my kiddo (it's been a while since that happened).  And more great news yet: after viewing 13 places over the last 3 days, we've finally landed on two places that are worth paying the credit check fee for!  We walked in & both felt like they could be our home. 

Tomorrow, we repack (or re-stuff) the car & drive back to MN.  Dan preaches at a church & speaks at a local college, while M & I get to play with friends & family.  Then on Tuesday, we drive back here again . . . hopefully with a lease in hand!!!

I asked Dan this evening, "Now that you're on the 'other' side of this season, what does it feel like looking back over the last 10 years of struggle?"  We had an interesting reflection.  It's easy to romanticize the struggle while looking backwards.  But without a doubt, we have been the most broken, hurt & sad over these last eight months than we have ever been in the previous 37 years.  There has been such overwhelming, paralyzing loss that words on a screen can't even begin to touch it.

But after everything & EVERYTHING . . . we are finally on the OTHER side.  I'm still getting used to it.  The "it" being - having enough money, Dan having a full time job, and us being able to put our energy in a really great, new direction.  I am so very grateful that God and a handful of friends have been able to stand with us through a very long, painful & dark season - and see us all the way through to the "other" side.

home

We arrived in Chicago at 2:30am three days ago.  We stumbled our way into a local hotel & set up "home" - at least home for now.  We have been learning some of the major landmarks, but mostly drive around feeling a bit lost (thank God for iPhones! - seriously).
Yesterday we looked at five homes to rent.  None felt like home. 

Had a moment this morning - a moment of panic.  "What are we doing here with no place to live?  Who's going to rent to us?  Is this really gonna work out?  What am I gonna do with a 5 year old in a huge city without a car or friends?  I feel lonely."  But then it hit me . . . we are OK.  There is no crisis.  God has brought us here . . . with a full time job in hand!  And there is enough money to see us through until we find a place.  We will be ok.

So with my modified outlook, I searched online for more places to live & made appointments to see them.  Then Dan headed off to work (at a job he's really excited about - yay!!!), while Mahalia & I played at the local park & enjoyed lunch around the corner.

As cheesy as it sounds, it's good to be reminded that home truly is where your heart is.  And my heart is thankful for a kind & faithful God, Dan, Mahalia, a new job & an incredible adventure!

momish

I've officially traded in my suit coats & heels for my comfy clothes.  I like to refer to them as my "Momish" clothes - things made of stretchy, soft, comfy stuff that you can do anything in - including chase my kiddo around the house.  In honor of my last day of work & my transition to Chicago, I bought myself a couple of new Momish things for the next season of life (& windy weather).

It's been really good to stretch my professional muscles & be reminded of just how much I love to contribute in a professional environment.  It's great to dig in, organize, hustle & make stuff happen.  And it was good to hear the affirmation of colleagues that I had, in fact, made a significant contribution.  I'm looking forward to taking all of my newly refined skills & using them for our own business.

Now on to the final days of packing & saying goodbye . . . all in my Momish clothes.

a little like Mary

The last ten years have been . . . . well, tough.  Don't get me wrong - there's been a LOT of good.  But I have to say that a full decade of under-employment for my incredibly talented & accomplished hubby had taken it's toll.

But I am thrilled to say that Dan just accepted an amazing position this last week.  He applied to the position almost a year ago, so even the waiting for the final decision these last few months has been tough.

One of my dear readers (& longest friends) asked why I hadn't posted about this.  I wondered why myself.  I guess after ten years of believing in something & hoping for it - when it finally happened, there really weren't words to adequately describe the gratitude I felt.  To be honest, a part of me felt a little bit like Mary, Jesus' mother.

When she heard the news, she pondered.  I've been doing a lot of pondering myself.  It's good to know that I've been believing in the right direction & that I'm not nuts.  It's good to know that God's specific words to me have come to pass - and that now, more than ever, I can trust Him to lead us into this new season.