crazy or disappointed?

One of the most difficult things I'm learning to do is to do as a "grown up" is to live with disappointment.

Growing up a Gen X-er (particularly a woman), I thought that I could "have it all." What I'm learning is that "having it all" is really too much. If you have everything, it's simply to much to take in all at once. If I try everything on the menu, I can't possibly savor each unique taste. Same thing with life . . . sometimes having everything makes everything less "tasty" - less special.

But not being able to "taste" everything in life can sometimes feel like a disappointment. For instance, when I chose to get married, it meant moving away from my entire community - my family, friends, neighbors, favorite hang-out spots etc. For the first few years (we're coming up on 8 now!) I made myself CRAZY trying to maintain the relationships I had back in my beloved community. I tried so hard to keep everything as it had been. I was so sad to have moved away that I made myself sick (literally).

Then thankfully, a couple of years ago, I began to experience a shift. I started to be able to contemplate living with disappointment . . . living with the reality that things would never be the same - EVER. Once I surrendered to the disappointment, I found that the "crazies" began to leave. Once I was able to admit the disappointment, I no longer felt bound to keep trying to make it all work.

I never thought that living with disappointment would help me let go of the crazy.