5,000 Pebbles

Earlier this week, I had one of those very good, but intense days. I had multiple (5) really intense conversations - some including tears (the good kind) - that really took it outta me. Midway through the day, I told someone that I feel like my life right now goes something like this . . . a person hands you a bucket with 5,000 pebbles in it, launches the pebbles in the air & yells, "now catch 'em!"

There's no. possible. way.

And so, I smile at myself. I catch the ones that need to be catched. I let the others fall to the ground. Then I dance.

simple but difficult

So I was talking with my Dad yesterday . . .

Over the course of my life, my Dad is the kinda guy who is full of nuggets . . . nuggets of wisdom/truth. He's not a man of a thousand words, but the words he does have carry weight. His wisdom has helped shaped my character, my beliefs & the way I live my life. I've often noticed that wisdom, while it often is quite simple, is rarely easy. True wisdom is often simple but difficult.

My Dad shared something with me yesterday - and is facing the greatest challenge of his life so far. When I asked how he felt about it, he responded with something that is forever etched in my heart. He said something like, "Well, as you get older, God gives you more opportunities to really have faith. Often we just say we have faith, but this will be my greatest opportunity to see if I really trust God or not."

If you knew what he was facing, you might feel the same way when he said it to me . . . inspired. May we be inspired to really live the life God has laid out before each of us in a way that is marked with complete surrender & trust. Thanks for the wisdom Dad.

my cheeks hurt

So after what has been a good, but VERY intense 2009, Dan & I spent New Year's Eve on the couch . . . watching comedy. We LOVE a good laugh. And we NEEDED a good laugh last night. So we opened up Netflix & watched some great comedy together.

If you're looking for a great laugh that'll make your cheeks hurt, check this one out. Parental warning: it's a little raw, but boy will you laugh!!! Honestly, I was doubled over at various points - with a kleenex in one hand & trying to keep myself from falling off the couch with the other. Good stuff!!!

Here's to remembering to laugh a LOT in 2010!

humanity

Today I'm feeling my humanity. Found out that a close family member has been diagnosed with a terminal illness - a very unpleasant one that includes extreme memory loss, along with other (not so pleasant) ailments too. So I've been (again) all over the map emotionally. I've gone from completely numb to extremely sad. One minute I'm fine & the next I feel like I won't be able to stop crying.

Called a good friend on the phone today. She has been down this road too many times for someone our age, so I asked for some wisdom about what to expect & how to handle it. She had good advice & was very kind. We talked about the particular challenges of parenting while grieving & she reminded me that it's my job to teach my kid how to be human, not perfect - especially in the midst of life's unexpected curveballs.

So today, I press into my humanity . . . not perfection.

all over the map

The holidays are interesting . . . interesting in the awkward kinda way. I find myself experiencing lots of emotions during the holidays.

This particular year, we didn't have the finances to buy gifts, so I've had a lot more time than usual on my hands (time that is usually consumed by finding, wrapping & giving gifts) to spend with people. And as I've listened to my friends' hearts, my own heart has been all over the map today. Just within the last 48 hours various people have shared all kinds of things . . .

• friends found out that their adoption is official & will bring home their new daughter soon
• another friend's friend died of breast cancer - she wasn't even 40 years old
• a family member has been given a very grim medical diagnosis
• another family member experienced real freedom by spending the holidays alone
• a friend decided to move back close to us!
• another friend is looking for work & isn't sure where she'll end up in two weeks
• another family member is considering going on disability
• another friend just finished a work assignment that was the most meaningful she's ever had
• another friend wishes for all of the things I have
• another friend's 18 year old daughter considers her dead & hasn't spoken to her in 7 months

Life is interesting & I find that the holidays bring out ALL of the emotions - the real highs & the real lows . . . seems like life gives us a healthy dose of both.

the frig

Remember back when we were kids & our parents would proudly display our accomplishments on the refrigerator? Things we'd done would magically appear on the frig - things like report cards, school projects & crafts we'd made. We were so proud & felt so good about ourselves. I think it's a great tradition.


I've been giving "the frig" lots of thought as I parent. What things do I want my daughter to recognize as special accomplishments? Typically we hang things on the frig that other people can see & applaud. But I think I want to celebrate some other things with her - things that others may not be able to see. Things like . . .

• knowing what she really enjoys doing & doing it with zest
• knowing her limits & living within them
• being able to recognize her emotions
• recognizing how her physical body is feeling in any given moment
• being who she really is

Anyone else wanna hang something different on the frig?

a little too much

Growing up, I often felt like I was "a little too much." I was too quiet, too emotional, too sensitive, too straightforward, too quick to make decisions, had too big of a forehead, and many other things that were "too much" for those around me (or at least that's what I picked up on as a kid).

Nothing has changed in my adult life . . . except that I've come to the conclusion that I think my "too much" is actually what makes me unique. It's just the way God wanted me. I've got a big heart & equally big fashion choices :-) I'm moved by things that others (especially those from the conservative background I grew up in) might be turned off by - things like global justice, fashion, makeup artistry, dancing, equal rights for gay couples, etc.

In fact, my new nickname for myself is "Sparkles." I love sparkles . . . big dangly hoop earrings with rhinestones, sparkly belts, sparkly shoes, sparkly eyeliner, sparkly spray . . . let's face it, pretty much anything that sparkles (or makes people look twice) makes me smile - or at least crack up a bit.

Some may think it's a bit too much - maybe even tacky. But I really like my sparkles. It's part of what makes me me, and I'm no longer apologizing for being me.