Park Bench of the Soul

a little like Mary

2012-01-29T18:16:00.000-06:00

The last ten years have been . . . . well, tough. Don't get me wrong - there's been a LOT of good. But I have to say that a full decade of under-employment for my incredibly talented & accomplished hubby had taken it's toll.

But I am thrilled to say that Dan just accepted an amazing position this last week. He applied to the position almost a year ago, so even the waiting for the final decision these last few months has been tough.

One of my dear readers (& longest friends) asked why I hadn't posted about this. I wondered why myself. I guess after ten years of believing in something & hoping for it - when it finally happened, there really weren't words to adequately describe the gratitude I felt. To be honest, a part of me felt a little bit like Mary, Jesus' mother.

When she heard the news, she pondered. I've been doing a lot of pondering myself. It's good to know that I've been believing in the right direction & that I'm not nuts. It's good to know that God's specific words to me have come to pass - and that now, more than ever, I can trust Him to lead us into this new season.

revived

2011-12-14T13:25:00.000-06:00

Since June . . . this is how I've felt:

Need I say more?

However, after five months in our current housing situation, 5 months with steady income, 2 months on meds, and 4 days in Los Angeles . . . I feel REVIVED!!!

About six months ago, I thought I'd never feel like me again. It was horrible - dreadful really. But over time, God has steadily revived my soul. And this last week in LA was just what I needed to put the final nail in my coffin of sorrow.

I got to spend time with people who dearly love me & know how to have fun. I ate food with incredible flavor. I danced myself silly. And I had a beautiful prayer session where God confirmed all of the beautiful things he's been telling me for years. Even though my life might look like a hot mess from the outside, I feel good.

I'm anxious to bring my joy into the little things. And today it trickled over into my eating habits. Since being here, I've gained 15 pounds people! And what have I been doing about that? Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Yep - I've been giving myself a pass, along with a huge dose of grace & "you'll get to it when you get to it."

But today I went to the grocery store & hooked these beautiful lunches up:

Seems that I might just have a bit of my mojo back!

honored

2011-11-25T08:04:00.000-06:00

The last 48 hours I have been deeply honored to spend it with folks who've been through hell.

A young friend of the family spent some time at our house. He's so sweet. You'd never know that he lost his father this week from a brutal murder, while his mother lays in the hospital suffering from a gunshot wound to the head. His eyes remain bright & his heart soft. When we stopped by the store, he picked out a card to give his Mom (that he hasn't been able to see). Said he's been praying for her every day. He's a total sweetheart. Someone mentioned that it was good for him to be at our house on Thanksgiving. Actually, it was good for me.

Then we spent the day out in rural MN with friends. A friend of theirs showed up at the house. I translated as he shared his story. His three kids had been taken away by the county the night before, based on accusations. He was devastated. He was also full of faith - that God sees all & is just. He shared how he made the grueling trip from Honduras 10 years before (you can't imagine what he went through) to give his children a better chance at life & that he was hopeful that no matter what happened to him, his life wasn't about himself, but his children. I was moved to tears multiple times by his incredible sacrifice, his love & his faith.

Thanksgiving this year was an honor - an honor to be in the presence of truly great people.

indigo

2011-11-12T08:14:00.000-06:00

After Dan's commitment the last couple of days, we decided to move downtown to be closer to the action. So we found a little gem in the heart of The Windy City - Hotel Indigo. It's so fun & decorated REALLY uniquely. Love it. Here's a shot of the lobby.

So one of my favorite things to do is sit by myself in the early hours of the morning & reflect . . . read a good book . . . and journal. This hotel has the perfect place for it. Here's "my" chair from this morning. It's so comfy!!!

It's really good to sit by myself in a new place - with a sense of adventure - and possibility of what could be. I'm so thankful that I've had this time to be still in such a beautiful space! Feeling really hopeful this morning.

Looking forward to the rest of the day of adventure with Dan!

what a beauty

2011-11-01T14:57:00.000-05:00

you can call me champ

2011-10-25T14:45:00.000-05:00

We got a ping-pong table at work. Been quietly working my way into the circuit. Played a bunch of guys along the way. Heard about our in-house champ. Just beat him! Feelin' good . . . feelin' good.

proud & cute

2011-10-21T16:54:00.000-05:00

When it comes to work, I find a lot of inner motivation, and don't feel the need for much (or any) external validation at work. Must be my German-ness :-) I'm happy to simply do my work & I find great inner satisfaction in doing it with excellence.

However, I got a really great compliment. In fact, three different people came up to me today (after our company's tailgate party) and told me that since I arrived - 3 months ago - that things have gotten significantly better . . . I felt great knowing that my presence & dedication has helped others feel like their work environment has improved since my arrival.

On a completely different note . . . aren't we adorable?!

gained

2011-10-12T16:11:00.000-05:00

Been feeling really grateful lately. I feel like I've gained a lot over the last few months. Here are a few of the highlights . . .

a renewed relationship with my parents (it's been so great to get to re-know them during retirement)
a job that I'm good at
more patience
a deep appreciation for people who've gone through extreme loss
reconnection with old friends
time with my extended family (due to living with my folks)
a set of Grandparents who invest in my kiddo daily
about 8 pounds (though this might be the low-light!)
medicine to help me feel WAY better
a clear knowledge that I don't know as much as I thought
an openness to the unexpected & being more flexible
a deeper sense of God's love & faithfulness

activities

2011-10-10T17:09:00.002-05:00

This morning, upon waking up, Mahalia's first question was, "Are you going to work again?" When I responded that I was indeed going to work again, she wanted to know why. I told her I was going to work to make the money, to which she asked, "Still!!!???"
I was cracking up. Yep baby - still working. Thankful for work & a paycheck. And even more grateful for moments like these.

Riding 8 miles together on our tandem bike Saturday morning

A quick stop to look at the fish on our walk today during my lunchbreak

the measure

2011-10-08T07:03:00.000-05:00

As I was running errands for work yesterday,
I saw this . . . and immediately thought of Dan.

I am so grateful for the tremendous privilege of walking through life with a man who has had more than his share of challenge & controversy, and remains bothered by injustice - yet also remains faithful, kind & gentle at the same time.

open heart surgery

2011-10-05T17:14:00.000-05:00

This last Sunday night, I got together with two friends from church youth group from WAY back in the day. And yes - that's approximately 25 years ago people!

They'd reached out when they found out I was back in town. What a delight to reconnect with them. Their grace, love & belief in me was overwhelming. And healing.

But what's even more impressive is that their deep love has come out of their own deep suffering. As the tears poured down my face as I shared our story of the last year, they could relate with the struggle & the depth of grief. It was spectacular to find folks who could stand with me in all of my humanity - and help bear the load . . . simply by listening & sharing their own stories.

The next morning I woke up & thought to myself, "I just had open heart surgery!"

power of the same page

2011-09-29T17:10:00.002-05:00

Last night, Dan & I had a brief, but powerful, conversation. We've always been reading from the same book in life. But after 10 years, I think we are finally on the same page.
We've had so many opposite experiences in life, that it's been easy to see things from a completely different point of view. Some are obvious differences (like me growing up white, middle class in the north and him a bi-racial kid in the deep south). Others experiences aren't quite so obvious (like different experience with the police & in educational settings).

In many ways, the differences have been our greatest strength. We've helped one another see the world differently. But I think life has forced me to take some significant steps toward him over the last few months, and vice versa.

So I celebrate today. I celebrate our dedication to loving despite the myriad differences between us. And I celebrate being on the same page.

small steps

2011-09-27T17:43:00.001-05:00

Have been taking small steps towards a new happiness. I've found myself grieving so much of what I miss from CA, that it's been hard to see new things to be excited about. But I've decided that I've got to make it work . . . one way or another. So here are a few small steps I'm taking . . .

I've decided to get lots & lots of sleep lately. Seems to be working. Rough on the social side of life, but good for ye ole disposition. Been heading to bed early, so I can consistently get a full 8 hours of sleep.
Taking daily walks - around the building at work, around the lake, to the park with Mahalia or around the block.
Talking with Dan on the way in to work each day.
Eating Dan's ridiculously good cooking - and requesting my favorites.
Sharing things that I'm grateful for with friends.
Scheduling a few days off for fun stuff - to have something to look forward to.

Grateful for small steps forward.

freakin' thyroid

2011-09-22T12:36:00.001-05:00

Due to my thyroid acting up, I haven't been able to exercise (or dance). And I won't be able to exercise until I can get my thyroid doing better. I'm ordered to rest, rest, rest. Walking is the only form of exercise I'm supposed to do for another couple of months. I don't mind working hard (or rest, for that matter) at all. But after the hard work, I need FUN people!!!

I need fun like flowers need sunshine, like a cowboy needs a horse, like a party needs balloons!!! So as you can imagine, this massive restriction is killing me. (Ok, it's good for me, but it's KILLING me!!!) I've been to bed early every night this week (& I do mean early - like before 10pm early). So I'm not falling asleep during the day, but the boredom is awful.

Sooooo . . . . I decided to put together a photo compilation of all of the fun things that have happened in the last 6 weeks to remind myself that I'm not dying after all.

Grandpa's birthday Dinner

Big Buffalo at the State Fair

Cotton Candy at the Fair

Nuts at the party

Ferris Wheel Ride

Love the bling on my new glasses!

Tony's 15th Birthday Dinner Party

Cowboys vs. Vikings

Hammin' it up on his 19th birthday

1st day of soccer

Daily fun with Daddy & Ronald

Date Night - check out Dan's new grill!!!

vista

2011-09-02T20:47:00.001-05:00

At work last week, I was on the 40th floor of a building downtown Minneapolis. When I got out of the elevator & past the reception area, I was stunned to find this view. I got all emotional.

Given where life has taken me (what has been a downward spiral the last year), I felt like God was trying to show me a different view of life . . . like He was offering me a birds-eye view of what He sees.

I've been so far in the trenches, that I hadn't felt like I would ever be able to dream or see clearly again. And just. like. that . . . . He gives me a new vista.

So I've been wondering, "what's this all about?" Not sure I've got all the answers I want, but I know I'm still standing. I know I'm taking small steps forward. I know I'm not caving into other people's crazy-making. I know I'm trusting God. I know I love my husband now more than ever. I know my daughter is ridiculously happy. I know God is near. I know people I wouldn't have expected have showed kindness is simple ways. I know I've got a place to live. I know I've got a job . . . at least for today.

I'm proud of myself - really proud. I've been faced with unbelievable pain, been pushed under wave after wave of life's crushing blows, and yet still I have risen & gotten above water. I am far more stable than I once was. I am a great friend. I have continued to tell the truth kindly - even in the face of harsh judgment. I know I can survive anything.

So this deep knowing has brought back laughter. Get a load of this . . .

the important things

2011-08-22T14:56:00.000-05:00

Started the day at 4:30am, when I awoke to take my Mom to the hospital for surgery. We got to the hospital at 5:45am to start the pre-op process.
By 8am, I was saying goodbye to her as they rolled her away for surgery.

It's now 2:56, and I am so thankful that she's resting in her room. I talked with her long enough to know her pain is being managed & that she's ok.

Doc says everything went fine. It's a good day to be reminded of the important things in life.

crutch

2011-08-17T11:22:00.000-05:00

Dan & I are midway through a time of consecration.

We decided, with all that's going on in life, that we really wanted to intentionally set ourselves aside . . . to listen to God. We need to hear from Him, be encouraged by Him & find direction from Him.

As I was in prayer, I asked God what to do during this time. The word "crutch" kept coming up, so I asked Him to tell me what that meant. He told me to give up anything that I use as a crutch. Sooooooo . . . I've been without radio, TV, sugar or caffeine for 7 days now.

It's actually been a really good experience. I've got new focus. I'm feeling better physically. Dan & I have had time together. Stay tuned . . .

lunch break

2011-08-11T13:13:00.000-05:00

After gaining so much ground with my thyroid this last year, pretty much all ground was lost over the last 2 months. Been losing handfuls of hair & exhausted all over again.
So talked with my doc the other day & dug out my boxes of herbs. I had even planned to meet a co-worker to ride bikes into work from my house (about 12 miles) to get some exercise. But after talking to Doc - no go. Says, because my body is so exhausted & depleted, that I can't do any exercise besides walking. Sooooo . . .

. . . been hearing about a nearby lake (tucked behind all of the small businesses, so you can't see it). So I threw on my tennis shoes & started following people who looked like they were doing the same thing.

And lo 'n behold . . . there it was! A perfect 40 minute walk. The perfect distance for my lunch break! I gotta get all the vitamin D I can get before winter :-)

101 things

2011-08-09T16:57:00.000-05:00

101 things that I'm grateful for this week . . .

Dan's at home with me
a healthy daughter
Liz & Erin
a job
health benefits
my Mom & Dad
a place to live
a/c that works in my car
grocercies I like to eat
lots of grass in the front yard
Chester the dog
a great boss
Jeff & Katie
computer access
a bike route to work on Thursday
people to eat lunch with
salsa friends
Ishabor, Pete & Joanna
text messaging
family
fun nail polish
high heels
new work clothes
lakes
bikes
legs that work
curly hair
Grandma & Grandpa's house
cousins
VBS
Pirate camp
internet access
Uncle Jess
bluetooth
the radio
JLo's new album "Love?"
the Bible
good sermons
stainless steel water bottle
cold filtered water at work
Advil
Dr. Archer
spreadsheets
online travel tools
warm shower
rooms with doors that close
Subway sandwiches
dancing shoes with double straps
memories
hospitals
Facebook
bankers, tax guys & lawyers
organizers for my desk
forgiveness
reimbursement checks
plants on my desk
Otter box cover for my iPhone
pictures of friends
New City Church
redemption
new beginnings
Mama Juana's
a new haircut
help moving again
Cai & Solvei
books
daily mail service
sonic toothbrush
paychecks
wireless
bus lines
Antonio
safe travels
craigslist
MAC makeup
sunshine
diffuser & hair products to make my hair curly
envelope-free ATMs
PODS
my comfy bed & sheets
Netflix
Karen and Heath
parks within walking distance of the house
a boss who doesn't micro-manage
music
an extra car seat for my kiddo
U-Haul
fun jewelry
an organized HR director
good babysitters
cash in my wallet
fun screen savers
voicemail that turns into email
a good sit on the couch
time with Dan
have I mentioned a healthy & very happy daughter :-)
a fun ring tone
snacks
cold soda (or "pop" as they call it)
ice
love

resilience

2011-08-03T14:18:00.000-05:00

As of late, I've got a new appreciation for the word "resilience". I've always had a sense for what the word meant, but lately, I FEEL what it means.
It means . . .

leaving my beloved friends in California & mourning their presence . . .
while driving across the country & starting life over from scratch . . .
while my husband is out of town for the week . . .
while my car overheats & the A/C breaks when it's 100+ degrees . . .
while starting a new job & supporting a brand new CEO . . .
while learning everything at the same time . . .
while leaving my daughter for 10 hours/day . . .
while helping her process what's going on . . .
while moving yet again after only 4 weeks of being here . . .
while packing up everything we own at 4am so I can pick up my car by 7:30 . . .
while I rush to be to work by 8 . . .
while thinking about having to move again in a few more months . . .
while mourning what I thought would be a turn for the better . . .
while waiting for important paperwork that could change our lives . . .
while processing all of the loss & all of the pain . . .
while trying to manage all of the details in my 35 minute commute . . .
while trying not to cry during the 3 short hours I see my kiddo each day . . .
while trying to arrange childcare for a 3rd time in 2 months . . .
ALL while not having danced in forever . . .

I give myself an A+ for resilience. A nap would be good at this point.

let's make some music

2011-07-14T10:49:00.000-05:00

Just accepted an offer as the Executive Assistant to the new CEO of Make Music. She's an outstanding business woman, and I think I'll learn a lot from her. Looking forward to enjoying the company of creative folks and making some music!

more for better

2011-07-13T07:37:00.000-05:00

Remember sitting through wedding vows so many times . . . and hearing, "I __________ take you _________ in sickness & in health, for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse . . . until death do us part . . ."???

Dan & I were cracking up the other day. We had a good laugh & decided that we could use a lot more of the "for better" part of life . . . bring on the for better!!!

pummeled by love

2011-06-26T04:39:00.000-05:00

It's 2:36am, and I feel pummeled by love . . . literally beat up by it. I cried so hard, from the overwhelming feeling of love that I cried my lashes off just now.

I've been up since 5:11am when I awoke to my bestie who was outside our house - waiting to help us get the yard sale stuff ready. Then after running around all morning, went to buy us breakfast.

Shortly thereafter 5 friends showed up & washed every window in the house (inside & out!), along with the bathrooms, and helped organize a mountain of stuff.

Not to be outdone, my other friend showed up with her hubby & deep cleaned our kitchen! Now THAT's love.

Me & Bobby

At approximately 7pm, I showed up to teach my final salsa class in LA, with my friend Bobby who gave me my first "real" salsa teaching opportunity last year.

Not to be outdone, my salsero friends threw me the most incredible, awesome, overwhelming party I can remember. They got me this awesome cake & danced with me, and lavished the most incredible gifts on me.

Me & Ruben - as painted by Ali

I got sparkly shoes, bracelets, paintings, vintage Mahalia Jackson vinyl framed, flowers, fans, wine, photo albums with pictures of SO many beloved friends. I drove away sobbing . . . but not from sadness. I felt beaten up by love . . . like it sat on my face & punched me all day long, so I won't ever forget just how good God is, and how kind his people are.

Thank you Los Angeles . . . you have pummeled me with love & I will never forget you!

sanctuary

2011-06-15T19:28:00.000-05:00

When I think of a sanctuary, I usually envision the gathering room of the church I grew up in. Or I picture it as a holy place where only certain people can go.

In my mind, it's always been a big place where thousands of people could gather comfortably - all listening to one person preach. I think that's definitely one good way to utilize a sanctuary.

However, today I realized I've come to view a sanctuary as a completely different kind of place.

This is the picture of my sanctuary in Pasadena. Though it doesn't look very impressive, it is a sacred space. It's a safe place - a place where two souls came together every week for three years.

It is the place where I was listened to without judgment. It is the place that has been a catalyst for change. It is the place where I received God's deepest healing. It is the place that reminds me of the goodness of God, and the strength of His love. It is the place I have re-learned how to love . . . myself, God & others.

today's creations

2011-06-14T16:31:00.000-05:00

I've been inspired lately . . . to create . . . especially in the midst of the transitions. It's therapeutic - helps me think.

I plan to start my own small business when I get to MN - maybe get a booth at the Midtown Market on the weekends. It's right in my favorite part of city.

I'll be selling my own one-of-a-kind handmade jewelry (and maybe fun purses, sunglasses & hats too). We'll see how it goes.

Here are today's creations. Let me know if you want to buy one (or five :-).

human spirit

2011-06-13T17:15:00.000-05:00

Wow! I needed this today . . . to be reminded of how beautiful & how strong the human spirit is. This is worth the 8 minutes.

sparkles

2011-06-11T23:24:00.000-05:00

Given the sheer volume of extreme situations that have come our way these last few months (near drowning, 8 day hospital stay, loss of all summer work & moving across the country), there has been an extraordinary amount of stress . . . which has lead to many sleepless nights, agonizing decisions, teary-eyed conversations etc.

Yesterday I jokingly told someone that I only had two goals: to stay out of jail & to stay sane. To call life "stressful" is a GROSS understatement. It has been excruciating. And to make matters worse, in an attempt to be helpful, people (even friends) have said many incredibly hurtful & unhelpful things.

I would go so far as to say that I've been in danger of losing my "sparkle." So yesterday, I went down to the fashion district (my favorite place in Los Angeles), and found these two gems as reminders of who I am. I've decided that I will wear them every day between now & whenever I get my full sparkle back as a reminder of who I am.

Let the sparkle SPARKLE!

cracked up

2011-06-07T17:02:00.000-05:00

In the midst of moving, there are so many things to do every day that I feel like my hair is on fire & I'm running as fast as I can to keep the fire out of my face.

"Shatter" nail polish

There are moving plans to make, goodbyes to say, interviews to complete, parties to throw, boxes to find, change of address forms to fill out, electricity to shut off, mail to forward etc.

And then there is the larger task of trying to keep life as "normal" (whatever THAT is now) for our kiddo as possible.

One of the things I do every week to help me feel normal - no matter the week - is to do my nails on Sundays after church.

This week I decided to try something new - the "shatter" polish from OPI. I think it's a symbolic expression of how I feel - fragmented, but new - and cool. Every time I look at them & crack up. What am I? Like 12 years old? Yep - just trying to find something edgy to remind me of LA, while also reminding me of the newness & goodness of things to come.

sunshine & jasmine

2011-05-27T13:52:00.000-05:00

It's funny how the strangest things elicit grief as Dan & I make the agonizing decision to move or not to move.

After we got home from the hospital on Wednesday afternoon, I was sitting out on the porch swing, watching Mahalia water the plants & grass. I was walking down memory lane. Wasn't it just 3 1/2 years that we moved into this little house - with it's NASTY yard? And less than a year ago, I got my grass!!!

It's been amazing to watch the transformation of our lives. Not only do we have a really cute yard now, but we've got an amazing church (can you say MIRACLE?), really great friends, a fun dance community, an incredible doctor etc. etc. etc.!!!

So yesterday, when I was smelling the beautiful Jasmine that surrounds us everywhere in SoCal, I was brought to tears.

I love, love, LOVE the smell of Jasmine. It's everywhere here. And literally EVERY day in the spring I stop somewhere & smell it up close.

And the sunshine . . . oh the sunshine! I never tire of you, sunshine. Every day I'm happy to see you!!!

What will I do without my sweet jasmine & sunshine?

begging

2011-05-23T10:52:00.000-05:00

For two days straight my child has been begging me for something to eat. A pretzel. Rice & beans. Spaghetti with cheese sprinkles. A donut. Coffee. A burrito. Even broccoli!

It has been AGONIZING to constantly tell her no. Especially when the tears flow. There is nothing I would love more than to give her any food she wants. And food & drink are the most basic of requests! Saying no to food for an entire week is one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do as a parent. But she cannot heal completely without the agony up front.

As I've been telling myself this story, God literally spoke this story back to me. He said that He's doing the same thing with me. What I'm asking for is good & He wants to give it to me .....and WILL give it to me......eventually.

It's ice chips & jello until then (whenever "then" is).

pretzel wishes

2011-05-21T23:05:00.000-05:00

We are back in the hospital after 18 short hours at home. My sweet, sad kiddo hasn't kept liquid nor food down since Tuesday. So today all we can give her is ice chips. Not even a Popsicle or jello.

After a few agonizing hours where they couldn't find her veins, she didn't talk & just laid still in the bed, we finally got some nausea meds. Within a few minutes she felt like a walk, so walk we did! We toured the grounds, bumping her IV cart along the cobblestone courtyard. We made our way into the lobby in the adjacent building where there were fountains.

Mahalia wanted to know why all the coins were in there. I explained that people throw the coins in the fountain as they make a wish. She blurted out, "I wish for a pretzel, Mom!"

I wish that all I wanted was a pretzel . . . But my wishes are a little bigger. God bless her with a pretzel sometime this week!

popsicles & sesame street

2011-05-19T20:37:00.000-05:00

Here's how my last 36 hours have gone . . . 5:30am wake up to kiddo throwing up . . . 4 hours of that (poor thing!) . . . then she started to vomit blood. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200 (though that would be nice). Fold her up in her blanket & drive straight to ER.

Unload her into wheelchair (while she's still vomiting - poor kid) . . . and into triage. Wait while mouthfulls of blood continue pouring out her mouth (a-GUH-ni-zing . . . and YES, I did lose my patience with the "we don't have a bed available yet"). Dan arrives & we get her into the ER for all kinds of testing. She says, "Mom, I really want to spend the night & take a ride" (she means when they push you through the halls on the rolling beds :-).

Then she's on the upswing . . . until 5 hours later when we give her something to drink. Nope - nothing stays down. So admitted into hospital's pediatric unit. She got her wish . . . a ride through the halls on the bed (even in the elevator - a bonus, apparently).

Quiet night . . . seemed good. Nursed 4 oz water over the course of 4 hours. Nope - that didn't stay down either. Upside: once it was out, she felt like a walk :-)

Then the serious fever set in this afternoon. 103 - so ice packs under the armpits.

Me . . . I'm just glad she's alive. That vomiting large quantities of blood thing . . . not for me!

In the midst of all that life has thrown my way the last year, this experience has put it ALL into perspective.

Not out of the woods yet . . . but popsicles & Sesame Street ain't so bad.

vengeance

2011-05-15T08:17:00.000-05:00

This stomach bug has come back . . . but with a vengeance!

Spent yesterday morning in Urgent Care, yesterday afternoon mustering up the gumption to eat something (food sounds horrible), and all night purging it out of my system with unbelievable abdominal pain. And the best part, is that no one will know anything for at least another 3-4 days.

Dear Jesus . . . could you just throw me a bone. Oh wait . . . I take that back. No food please. Could you just help me not feel like dying? I'd really appreciate it. Amen.

dinosaur bones

2011-05-11T17:04:00.000-05:00

Most days Dan leaves around 7:30am, travels to 3 different schools during the course of the day, and then arrives back home around 8pm. Then he usually has to grade papers or prep the next day's lecture into the wee hours of the morning.

However, Dan is finally (& I do say FINALLY with emphasis . . . thank God!) done with his Tuesday/Thursday night classes for the year!!! Which means, we actually get to see him when the sun is out!

In honor of his first day without night classes (though there's still a Wednesday night class for a few more weeks), we went on a hike up in the mountains, which is one of the many perks of living in the foothills. It's been simply gorgeous lately, so the three of us put on our tennis shoes, pack our water & snacks & headed for the hills.

I think the best part (besides just being together) was Mahalia's excitement about everything from the birds, lizards & rocks to the the stream of water that we could hear but not see and the dinosaur bones in the ground.

wanna go short

2011-05-06T21:23:00.000-05:00

I've had the itch to cut my hair. I need votes please. Which one do you think?

Shoulder Length

The Halle cute

Pixie cut

Soft Bangs

how do i forget?

2011-05-06T15:42:00.000-05:00

After 37 years of life, how is it possible that I forget the simplest of things. Most recently, how do I forget that the crazier life gets, the more important the basics become . . . basics like exercise, eating right & sleep.

It's so simple! And yet they're the first to go. I've done it for almost 4 decades, and yet, during this past season, I've managed to stop working out & get really good rest. Somehow I thought that if I just worked harder, longer & more that I'd get more done. Well, I've managed to work harder & longer, but I'm not sure I've gotten any more done. I know what I've had more of though: more stress, more frustration, more sleepless nights & more pounds around the middle. Ugh!

So today I went to yoga class. I walked out & thought to myself, "Ahhhhh! This is what it feels like to feel good." I'm gonna do my best to NOT get amnesia again!

Got this little gem from my kiddo today. Thanks Mrs. Coscarelli :-)

back on the trail

2011-05-05T18:22:00.000-05:00

After taking a month hiatus, I'm back on the job hunting trail. It's an interesting experience. Tons of resume emailed, faxes sent, phone calls made & databases searched. Funny (or completely frustrating) thing is that no one even acknowledges it. Don't know if they ever got the email, fax, phone call because literally NO ONE responds.

The glaring exceptions were the 3 job leads given to me by friends back in March. All three led to interviews. So seems the equation is:

Resume + connection = interview

Resume - connection = no response whatsover

Anyone got connections?

9 days of agony

2011-05-03T20:30:00.000-05:00

After nine days of agony . . . not being able to eat a full meal, feeling constant nausea, visiting the doc, countless phone calls to the doctor, having no energy whatsoever & being completely lack-luster . . . I've pondered a few things. It has been a very instructional time for me. Suffering demands space for reflection. I'm not entirely sure what I've learned yet.

Much to my displeasure, more often than not, I found myself frustrated & disappointed. I'm still processing that stuff. I'm trying to figure out what's just life, what's just living within community, what's just illness, what's just being a grown up, what's just being parent, and what's just me.

Lots to think about & process. In the meantime, since I finally got my butt up off the couch today, I went & got Mahalia some craft supplies. She's been DYING to make crafts lately! So here are the latest creations.

PS - My doctor's best guess is that it was e-coli food poisoning.

what i don't like

2011-05-01T12:00:00.000-05:00

After a week of feeling horrible, I've decided my least favorite part of being sick is my complete inability to think about or care about anything or anyone but myself.

It's awful. I feel like all I can think about is me & how I feel. Me. Me. Me!!! I much prefer to be thoughtful, considerate & ready to engage the world. But nope - this week it's been all about me. It's given me a totally new perspective on those who suffer in chronic pain.

serious bug

2011-04-30T11:27:00.000-05:00

I'm about to head in to see my OMD on a Saturday morning.

It's been 7 days since the first sign of, what appeared to be, food poisoning. Since then, I've felt crazy nauseous every day. I've maybe eaten 1/2 meal each day - and even water makes me nauseous.

No fever. No pain. Only CRAZY loud gurgling in my intestines & nausea like a pregnant woman on crack (and nope - not preggers! ;-) Let's hope he can help!

on the mend

2011-04-28T20:50:00.000-05:00

After 4 days of our family battling with food poisoning symptoms, I think we are finally on the mend (knock on wood). I haven't felt this sick (nor have Mahalia or Dan) in AGES. We've been laid up on the couch (or in bed) for two days straight - eating ice chips & barely eating anything . . . or if we tried, it wasn't pretty.

Anyhoo - now that I'm upright . . . thought I'd share one of my favorite photos from last week. At Mahalia's school, they were teaching about the death & resurrection of Jesus and the Easter story. Being that Easter is my favorite day of the year, I was glad they're teaching her this story.

She was SO excited to show me the tomb across the parking lot from her classroom. Hilarious that the tomb has a lock on it, right? I guess it's in place of the stones for touring purposes :-)

adrenaline rush

2011-04-26T20:05:00.000-05:00

For the last two weeks, I've been really burdened to pray for Mahalia's physical safety (which isn't something I think about hardly at all). But today, I found out why . . .

Being that the kiddos are on Spring Break, a bunch of us went to the beach - 5 kids & 3 moms. As you can imagine, with that many folks, there was a bit of stuff to carry from the car. I looked like a pack mule! As soon as we hit the sand, the kids were OFF to the water. I had my hands full of blankets, food, chairs, umbrella etc. One of the moms was at the water's edge keeping an eye on them, so I was focusing on getting the gear all set up.

When I glanced down to the get an eye on the kids (about 25 yards from where we set up), I noticed Mahalia was up to her neck in water. I set everything down & got really focused, but there were plenty of adults within 10 feet of her, so I didn't panic . . . then her head bobbed under the water and no one reacted . . . I started sprinting to the water . . . literally running out of my shoes . . . then throwing off my sunglasses, hat & shirt . . . leaving a trail behind me. I dove into the water & by the time I got to Mahalia, her head had gone completely under the water three times!

I grabbed her & held her as she sputtered to get the water out of her lungs . . . then I realized I wasn't cold (the water was freezing) . . . and I was completely wet - head to toe, and was breathless - but not in the exhausted kind of way . . . in the kind of "adrenaline just took over & I just ran 30 yards in about 5 seconds flat".

My friends later told me that it was like watching a scene from Bay Watch. They hadn't seen Mahalia go under until they saw me running like a mad woman towards her.

Thank God for adrenaline. Thank God for the spiritual heads up. Thank God that my only child is ok!

The post script is that while I got everything else off, I couldn't get my pants off in time & dove in with them on. Fortunately I didn't loose my keys, but my phone got completely wrecked. So after playing for a few hours & dropping our little friend off, Mahalia & I spent 2 hours at the phone store getting a new phone. Yes, I have insurance. No, they don't cover water damage. Boo!

And to top the day . . . after an hour drive home, 2 hours at the phone store, and putting everything away . . . as I was bending over to put the cover back on the sand box (to put the sand toys away) my pants split out the back side. Ah - I did take a picture of it, but am still setting up my new phone & can't send the picture to myself yet!

destination

2011-04-25T14:41:00.000-05:00

As we've wrestled through career stuff, we're considering a move. Don't know where. Don't know when. Don't even know if we will. But it's officially on the table & doesn't seem to be going off the table.

I have fought the idea of moving for MANY years. LOVE Los Angeles & really don't want to move . . . at all. However, we've stalled out here, it seems & it appears as though a move may be our final option before homelessness (which, although the weather is good here for that sort of thing, doesn't seem very fun).

I've been talking to God about this a LOT. Apparently he hasn't gotten the memo that I love my friends here, the weather here, the schools here, our church here, the fashion district here, and the dancing HERE!!!

But the other day, as I was talking at God (notice I wasn't talking to him) he mentioned that he himself is the destination . . . not a job, not a location, not a group of people . . . not even passions nor family.

So it appears as though I'm on a new adventure: Destination Jesus. Though I often (ok, let's be honest here - I wish daily!) wish I knew what was next on this journey, it seems as though I don't have to wait for a new season or a move to get to my new destination.

yum!

2011-04-05T21:41:00.000-05:00

One of my goals this past year has been to become a better & healthier cook.

I'm trying to incorporate WAY more veggies & a lot less meat, processed ingredients etc. Not quite going vegetarian - but a definite step in that direction.

Today I made this little gem (thanks to my friend, Erin's recipe) . . . grilled veggie sandwiches. Delish!!!

It has tons of marinated veggies (then broiled) on a toasted roll, with goat cheese, sundried tomatoes & fresh herbs mixed in. Yum!

Come over some time & I'll make it for you.

renewed thankfulness

2011-04-01T15:19:00.000-05:00

After having 3 interviews over the last 3 weeks, I've had a renewed sense of gratitude for the time that I've been able to spend at home with Mahalia. I won't be going back to work until June-ish, so am soaking up EVERY moment with my kiddo.

Yesterday it was 90 degrees! Yes - on March 31st, it was ninety degrees people! So we went & got her a new, shorter haircut (fewer tangles & not as hot for the summer). We also decided it was hot enough to run through our favorite fountain, but realized her swimsuit from last year was too small. So we ran to the store & got a new swimsuit.

Here's to my last weeks at home with my kiddo!

keeping the cat out

2011-03-25T01:59:00.000-05:00

Our neighbor's adorable cat LOVES to come over to our house. We started feeding her occasionally about 2 years ago, at which point she started coming over every day & meowing - trying to weasel her way in. Since we love her, we often let her in.

However, one day (before Mahalia could talk), while I was in the other room, she opened the door & let the cat in. The cat bit her. I literally kicked the cat out & that was that for over a year. Ain't no cat gonna bite my baby!

But then she started hanging around again about 6 months ago. Mahalia LOVES her, so now that she was a little older, we explained that she had to move slowly & be extra careful around the cat . . . and gradually, the cat made her way back in again. But then - about 2 weeks ago (again, while I was in the other room) - the cat bit Mahalia (but HARD this time). That was that - NO MORE.

However . . . Mahalia LOVES the cat (have I mentioned that). She begs me literally EVERY day to let her in. She explained to me that the cat said she was sorry & wouldn't do it again. I told her that was nice, but we still weren't letting the cat back in. She then explained to me that she forgave the cat. The kid got me thinking, but then it occurred to me that the cat is a LOT like people in life . . .

. . . if you prove to be an unsafe person, I've gotta keep you away from my kid (& me for that matter), and from me - even if you apologize . . . even if I love you dearly . . . even if you say you won't do it again. It's my job as a parent to protect my kid (& myself) - even when she doesn't want me to. The cat stays out.

pet peeve

2011-03-23T23:35:00.000-05:00

I had the weirdest day . . . punctuated by someone making reference to them knowing what God was speaking over my life & insinuating that I wasn't paying attention to God nor being obedient. Yep - that's my pet peeve, alright . . . that & being "Bible-versed." Anyone feel me?

test

2011-03-21T23:38:00.000-05:00

Got the generic email today, saying that I didn't get the job. I have to admit that I really liked the place & the people seemed amazing. But I feel like I've passed the test. And by test, I mean . . .

God has been taking me on a journey of obedience - not just in action, but in attitude. Seems like he's had me all over the map these last few years . . . take your kiddo to work, now put her in school part time, then stay home full time. Now teach some salsa. Ugh - but the gigs got cancelled. So do some consulting. Oops! Now put her back in school & work for Dan. Wait a minute - now apply for some jobs. Then don't get any of them! And then get 2 new salsa gigs in the same week!

And surprisingly, I feel good. I feel like God's question to me has been: Do you trust me? Yes. I do. I trust you 100%. I'm not entirely sure what's going on. But I trust you. I trust you even when I look foolish . . . and that seems to be happening a LOT lately!

done

2011-03-18T19:48:00.000-05:00

I feel invigorated. I'm one of those nutty people who gets an extra amount of "juice" from checking things off of to-do lists. Nutty, right?! But seriously, I feel SO good when stuff gets done. Well, today I was able to check off a couple of major long-term projects off of the list & I'm feeling GOOD!!! Think I'll go out & dance tonight.

I was hoping to hear back about a job possibility this week & start on Monday, but the HR person ended up being out of town all week, so no news. But shockingly, I don't feel anxious about it . . . just glad to have a less full "to do" list & ready to enjoy a weekend with Dan & Mahalia without thinking about anything but them.

However, I did buy a couple of items for the wardrobe. As I've been interviewing, I realize I have exactly 2 pairs of work pants & exactly 0 shirts for work. So today, I hooked myself up with these - for a total of $52. Not bad! Oh - and they look much better on, than on the hanger :-)

for the love

2011-03-14T21:12:00.000-05:00

This afternoon at dance class, we were joined by about 15 college students who are volunteering at the school for a week. I was teaching them our routine (along with the regular children) from scratch. They were all picking it up fairly quickly, but one guy in particular caught my attention.

He was so "into" it . . . broke out into a full on sweat! And he was having SO much fun - dancing with abandon. And he was really quite good.

After class, after everyone left, Richard came back in & started to ask me all kinds of questions. Turns out he's from Minnesota too. He has a heart of gold & is passionate about dancing. Being a college student, he's looking for direction in life & is wondering how dance will play into that. Regardless, he wants to be salt & light in LA. It was a trip talking to someone 15 years younger, from the same state, but from a different race & the other gender with the exact same heart - wanting to dance for the love of it and for the love of God.

guilt

2011-03-10T16:31:00.000-06:00

Being a White, Baptist, German, good mid-western girl, guilt is something I'm very familiar with.

Over the last few years, I've worked hard to rid myself of useless guilt. I've decided the only kind necessary is the momentary kind that moves me from guilt to freedom (ie. making a different choice, or just letting guilt go because it's not actually useful). It's kinda like anger - it's a good indicator that something is being "pinged" on my internal radar, and that I need to consider whatever that thing is, but then let the guilt part go.

However - recently I've found myself being guilt-ridden. I won't get into all of the details, because that's not the point. Guilt is fairly universal & we've all experienced it at some point along the way (especially if you have any relationships - ha!). The point is that guilt is no longer serving me, my friends, or my family. Guilt is keeping me in my own little world of the mind - scrutinized, agonized & harassed. It keeps me sad, it keeps me inactive & it keeps me from moving forward.

So today, I bid guilt farewell. I know what I need to do & I am familiar with the trade-offs. I can't have the perfect solution to what ails me. "Good enough" will have to do. Farewell guilt. I bid thee well (well, actually I don't - good riddance!).

schizo

2011-03-09T15:28:00.000-06:00

This last week, I've felt schizophrenic.

I'm literally ALL over the place (physically & otherwise). I really don't enjoy the "hair on fire" days anymore. I used to be an expert at shoe-horning activities together like a 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. I could squeeze activities & tasks together with amazing efficiency. However, cramming more in has become something I loathe. There's been so much on my mind & plate that I actually fell asleep at 8:30 last night, on the verge of a migraine (thankfully avoided).

Here are just a few things that I've done within the last week, just to offer a taste of the extremes . . .

met a friend at the Emergency Room to care for her son while daughter waited to be seen
completed online testing & went to a job interview in Glendale
helped recruit friends for a fundraiser for a friend's film
took treats to Mahalia's class
met with a lawyer
applied for & followed up on multiple jobs around town
completed info for our website's upcoming face lift
did laundry & dishes
choreographed & ran through the 3.5 minute salsa routine with students for the upcoming benefit
had a play date at the park with Mahalia's class mates in Sierra Madre
saw my friend's new apartment in Old Town
completed training in downtown to be a part of the prayer team at church
hosted multiple friends for home cooked meals at our house
booked Dan's travel to Festival of Faith & Music in Grand Rapids
booked a salsa teaching gig at a new club here in Pasadena
finished the paperwork for our merchant account
managed to squeeze in a date with Dan :-)

I feel like I'm wearing so many hats every day, that sometimes I forget what the heck I'm doing. One minute I'm doing dishes & literally the next minute, I'm on the phone with a potential employer & racing to finish their application process.

I'm also in the process of grieving the loss of being at home with my kiddo full time. It's been a glorious (albeit not glamorous) 2 years. What a gift . . . one that I never imagined would have come my way. So being caught in the purgatory between motherhood, being a co-worker with Dan, applying for new jobs, and teaching gigs as they come up - all while trying to maintain friendships with those who have become so dear, has been like a circus act. I remind myself of a comedic juggler - the kind where they drop more things than they juggle.

So my prayer has been for grace and peace. Grace for each day, and peace in my heart.

two whole hours

2011-03-05T15:02:00.000-06:00

I had two whole hours to myself today. I couldn't decide what to do. There were so many things I could've done:

bead
clean & organize
read or reply to emails
dye my hair
apply for jobs
call a friend

But instead . . . I just sat & played solitaire on my couch (yes - the 25 year old couch with rips in it that I let the kids jump on). What's up with that?

no "3's"

2011-03-02T15:24:00.000-06:00

I just finished telling Mahalia that she has to stay in bed until the clock says "3 . . . 0 . . . 0"

Her response: but Mom, my clock doesn't have "threes". Kids!

Psalm 23

2011-03-02T12:56:00.000-06:00

The 23rd Psalm is one of the most quoted Psalms . . . often ad nauseum for those of us who don't like to get "Bible versed" by well-meaning, but overly religious folk.

I've always read Psalm 23 from a white, urban, college-educated perspective. After getting an actual shepherd's take on it, this book REVOLUTIONIZED my understanding of this powerful Psalm.

I have a whole new appreciation for phrases like "He anoints my head with oil." Did you know that shepherds actually rub an oil mixture all over their sheeps' heads to keep the nasty parasites/bugs out of their noses?

And did you know that sheep often die . . . because they get stuck upside down? WHAT!!!??? They get so much wool & they're so NOT agile that they can get stuck upside down & die from asphyxiation. Nutty!

If you have a few bucks & want a most excellent read, check this one out!

the new tithe

2011-02-28T21:29:00.000-06:00

My friend posted this blog. It's been something I've been thinking about a LOT the last few years. I find this an incredibly important topic to ponder.

Over the last few years, we've given our money to things other than church . . . people we believe in, people who are struggling to make ends meet, people going on missions trips, people who need a gift, or people who just need to know someone loves them.

As one who grew up in Christian culture, I've seen that this notion of 10% going to the church might have been taken a tad too literally. Isn't the church the people anyway?

Thoughts?

inspiration

2011-02-27T10:59:00.000-06:00

Beauty inspires me. Plain & simple.

When I see something beautiful, it releases appreciation, gratitude, admiration & inspiration within me. I find myself captivated by beauty. It can be a beautiful piece of clothing, artwork or jewelry. It could be a beautiful person with their unique features and skin tone or the way their make up is done to perfection. Or it can be a song that's been sung with soul or a dance that's created from the depths.

So when I was grocery shopping the other day, I just couldn't resist these. Two dozen roses of various colors. When I saw them, I was moved. And even though I shouldn't have afforded them, every time I glance their way, I'm moved.

injustice

2011-02-25T19:54:00.000-06:00

Nothing makes me angrier than injustice. Today I experienced quite a bit of injustice. Given the A+B=C equation (injustice = anger), I spent a good bit of the day angry.

But I heard a quote yesterday that really stuck with me . . . "anger is the poison that only kills you." Needless to say, I've spent the rest of the day attempting to rid myself of the anger & frustration that plagues me.

racing

2011-02-24T16:17:00.000-06:00

Today I've had that racing feeling . . . my mind running at warp speed - thinking of everything that needs to get done, heart pumping with adrenaline coursing through my veins . . . and sweaty armpits. YUCK!

I don't miss this feeling at all. I used to live in this space almost every day - for YEARS. So I guess it's time to go & sit for a minute . . . and put the mind in God's hands . . . and release it all back to Him. Headed there now.

on the prowl

2011-02-22T22:37:00.000-06:00

Well . . . after two glorious years of staying at home & enjoying the finer things in life (ie. naps :-) it's time for me to go back to work. Just sent out my resume to a bunch of friends. Gonna start with connections first.

Oh how I will miss you endless reflection, mid-afternoon cat naps, slow mornings & having dinner ready for Dan when he walks in the door - hopefully I will know you again some day!!!

Oh how I will not miss you endless laundry, dishes & grocery shopping - oh wait! I still have to do all that anyway. Hmmm.

4 strands of brown

2011-02-18T14:49:00.000-06:00

Over the last year, every time I've washed or combed my hair, I've lost handfuls of hair. The scary, cancer-patient kind of handfuls. However, since I've been working with my OMD the last 6 weeks, and drinking the worst tasting medicinal teas EVER . . .

I'm very pleased to report that . . . . drum roll please . . . this morning I lost only 4 strands of hair (a personal record)!!! AND they were brown (for those of you too who aren't too keen with the senses - I dye my hair every four weeks to cover the massive amounts of grey). I can hardly believe my eyes (nor my head :-).

I asked the doctor what I could attribute my reborn hair color coming back in. Circulation, he said . . . circulation people!!!

free tickets

2011-02-15T15:28:00.000-06:00

I haven't been to a live concert in years . . . literally! Maybe even a decade. So when Leandro (my salsa friend) invited Dan and I to a Valentine's concert with him & his girlfriend, I was excited.

He was able to get us free tickets to a Kenny G & Michael Bolton concert at the Gibson Amphitheater at Universal Studios.

My initial thought was, "This is gonna be really fun, but aren't they kinda old school?" Boy, was I wrong!

It was AMAZING! I've always appreciated their music, but hearing it LIVE was a whole other experience. And we had great seats to boot!!! SOOOO fun!

Thanks Leandro . . . good times!

miracles

2011-02-13T23:20:00.000-06:00

This morning, I was looking in the mirror . . . couldn't figure out what was different. It was so obvious, I couldn't believe my eyes. I've dyed my hair for years (because of all of the gray). But it's growing in brown!!! I asked Dan because I thought maybe I just wasn't seeing all of the gray in the light. But he was speechless too! Not only is my hair growing in fuller, but it's actually brown!!!

Then this morning, I just had to take this picture. Earlier this week our pastor asked Dan to speak at church this morning. I know it's totally irreverent to take pictures during the service, but this is a miracle . . . us at church . . . LOVING it . . . and Dan actually up front sharing from his heart. Praise God people!!!

Miracles . . . gotta love 'em!

going to teach

2011-02-12T20:28:00.000-06:00

Tonite I'm going to Mama Juana's to help my friend, Bobby, teach the beginner's salsa class. I love teaching. Even more, I love dancing.

Dancing is my escape.

It's my escape from thought, from laundry, from sweats, from dishes, from responsibility . . . it's better than escaping on vacation . . . you don't have to pack. Just strap on the dance shoes & voila!

Here's to a good night of salsa . . . and escape!

press on

2011-02-10T19:33:00.000-06:00

I've been tempted to throw in the towel lately. But I know what God has spoken into my life and I will keep moving forward & trust what He's said . . . even if it looks like I'm not getting anywhere. It's a "press on" kind of day.

full heart

2011-02-06T23:00:00.000-06:00

Another year has come & gone . . . some real highs & painful lows.

In the midst of it, my heart is full. So many people poured out kindness on me: dinner with friends, gifts, cards, money, sentiments, time spent, meals made & dances shared. Beautiful.

These were the most AMAZING cupcakes I have EVER had . . . homemade lemon with fresh raspberry icing! Then there was mango cake . . . shared with my fellow February salseros . . . delicious for the senses on & off the floor!

This card (from Dan) made me go into hysterical laughter . . . I guess it's getting to be "that" season of life! The one thing I had wanted was to spend the day alone with him. It didn't end up working out that way, but I love that he gets me & can roll with the punches.

Then my salsa community hosted the most AMAZING party. Earlier in the day, I had been pretty upset. I almost cancelled. I'm SOOOO glad I ended up going. The best time I've had in a while - felt God smiling on me.

Thank God for friends, for family & for community. I'm so very thankful.

ridiculous & fabulous

2011-02-04T20:55:00.000-06:00

For 3 months, I've been coveting a purse I saw in the fashion district. When I saw it, I didn't buy it, but I've been thinking about it ever since. And today . . . in honor of my own self's birthday tomorrow, I bought it. It's so ridiculous, it's fabulous!

Really? A giant zebra print flower with hot pink shiny material . . . AND a diamond center??? Yes ma'am!!! LOVE IT.

thanks china!

2011-02-03T19:13:00.000-06:00

Got some blood tests run last week that regular MD's won't run (because in Western medicine, there's no "cure" - so insurance doesn't want to know that you have it cuz they don't want to be responsible to help you fix it - ain't THAT a dandy one?!?!). Oh - and I haven't had insurance for two years . . . so why do "they" even care??? Anyhoo . . .

Today I got an answer for why I've been so sick for SO long . . . autoimmune thyroiditis (aka: Hashimoto's disease). In a nutshell, I've got some kind of severe internal infection (really high white blood cell count) that's causing my immune system to go out of whack - which in turn attacks my thyroid (hence the exhaustion, massive hair loss, cold extremities, etc.)

Though western medicine doesn't have a cure, my guy thinks he does. I've started on a bunch of Chinese medicines that will hopefully help. I'll keep you posted. In the meantime, I'm thankful for folks in other countries who've done so much to help us westerners out!!!

skipping & other fabulous things

2011-02-01T15:55:00.000-06:00

So I've got a THIRD head cold this season. Yep - we're on to a total of about 10 weeks of about 4 months . . . for you math geeks, that's more than half!!! Sheesh.

Then, with our business start-up stuff, there have been MOUNTAINS of paperwork to complete. The kind where you call ahead, ask what you need & bring that stuff to the meeting - but then the banker "forgot" to mention the two other things you'd need until you got there. Then repeat 4 more times with various folks. Yep - that kind of week.

So when Mahalia & I left the store (where I was ASSURED that I'd be able to buy what I needed - albeit 3 times more than the original one we were gonna buy, but the company never called back after 5 days, 10 phone calls & 2 voicemails), I was totally frustrated (did I mention they don't actually sell it IN the store, but failed to mention that?). And she was . . . of course . . . skipping!

This is one of the things I adore about children. Their ability to be completely unphased by the ridiculous challenges of adult life . . . totally unencumbered & free to enjoy the simple things. Me . . . don't know if I'm up for skipping. Maybe a nap?

my pastor

2011-01-28T15:52:00.000-06:00

Over the last 9 years, church hasn't been a place I've enjoyed being. It's been more discouraging to my faith than encouraging. I'll spare you the details & just say that church hasn't been a positive experience for me the last decade.

But we've started going to New City Church in downtown LA & we LOVE it! It feels like home. And this morning we had coffee with Pastor Kevin. We left so encouraged & even more sure that we want to really invest in this group of people & be invested in by them. It feels good to say after 10 years & today's coffee that Kevin is MY pastor.

compliment

2011-01-26T06:39:00.000-06:00

Today we had conferences at Mahalia's school. Yeah, I know, conferences for a 4 year old, right?! . . . but it was surprisingly helpful. I REALLY like her teacher (& so does she).

After our 20 minutes, I was waiting in the hall, when another teacher (who I'd never met) came up to me & asked if I was Mahalia's Mom. I said yes & she started gushing about how Mahalia is the happiest kid - how she bounds around, full of joy. She was surprised at how she's jumped into school mid-year & done so well.

I think it just might've been the best thing anyone could say about my parenting . . . that I have a happy kid - abounding with joy.

earthquake

2011-01-25T08:57:00.000-06:00

The last couple weeks have been a major transition for us. But I've been SO encouraged with all of the forward movement. So many pieces (some small & some VERY big) have been coming together for us.

It kinda reminds me of an earthquake (especially since I live in CA now), and how all of the plates move imperceptible amounts for years - decades even. Then all of a sudden there's massive movement & a total shift of the earth's foundation.

Yep - kinda feelin' like an earthquake . . . but in a really good way!

hopeful

2011-01-20T23:02:00.000-06:00

I've been losing hair by the handfuls the last couple of months & it's gotten REALLY bad the last couple of weeks . . . scary bad.

I've talked to lots of medical folks about it - but never with anything that sounds hopeful. I used to go to a number of MD's here in Pasadena, but never got anywhere. They didn't listen. They were condescending. Their only option was always pharmaceuticals. And I never got better. So I wasn't looking forward to another visit today. But . . .

With the onset of what appears to be another serious thyroid flair up I had to go see an MD to get some blood tests run. I was SO pleasantly surprised by Gary Archer, OMD. He sat with me for 80 minutes before doing acupuncture. Then he gave me some homeopathics that have already helped (my hands & feet aren't cold anymore). And since we don't have insurance, he only charged me $35!!!! I can't say enough . . . I finally feel hopeful about the healing that is to come!

If you live in/near Pasadena, check him out!

today's hero: tomas!

2011-01-16T23:54:00.000-06:00

I made a few bracelets with my friend, Angela, while I was visiting my family in Minnesota back in November. I was instantly hooked. Uncertain of what all I needed & where to get it the cheapest, I'd managed to keep myself from buying bead stuff . . . and lo-'n-behold I get a surprise start-up bead package from her for Christmas (yep! She's the best!!!).

I've been attending the Pasadena Bead & Design Show all weekend . . . walking up & down aisle after aisle, eying millions of beads. Yeah - random, I know. Beading . . . who knew!!!??? But it's like my latest form of crack. I'm officially addicted.

Yesterday I wandered, envisioned & bought a few things. I have to admit, I don't really know what I'm doing. At ALL!

Then this morning, as I was waiting for a seminar, I put together this bracelet. However . . . I've never learned how to crimp them & make them all professional-like. So my ONLY goal for today was to figure out how to get them so that they don't fall apart after a couple of wears.

After the seminar (which wasn't particularly helpful), I walk into a booth looking for a crimp tool (don't even know what one looks like, but know I need one since the seminar instructor told me so). I ask a couple of questions . . . and 2 minutes later, I'm sitting behind the booth getting a private, one-on-one lesson from Tomas! He's the owner of A Bead Carnival.

And he was . . . AWESOME! I almost cried when we were done. He was so kind, so patient & really thorough. He gave me all kind of helpful hints to make sturdy, professional-grade bracelets.

Then tonight, I came home & went to town! Thanks to Tomas, here are my first solo creations. I love them!

If you're in the market for a bracelet, let me know . . . I just might be able to hook you up! And it won't fall apart . . . thanks to Tomas!!!

the red line

2011-01-16T09:39:00.000-06:00

With the beginning of a new job, have come some hefty changes in the schedule. Gone are the days of slow mornings, unlimited play time, and lots of time to reflect. We've had to (as my Mom would say) "kick it into high gear."

I catch my mind racing - trying to find ways to cram more "to do's" into the same God-given 24 hour time span. I'm finding that I'm reaching my limits of energy much more quickly. In my former life, when more stuff was happening, I used to just cram more in. I used to live at the red line. If more needed to get done, I simply shoe-horned it in & did ALL of the "more" - never really stopping to consider the consequences of the "more" lifestyle (ie. lived off of adrenaline & blew out my thyroid, was filled with anxiety etc). Sooooo . . .

I'm going to need to cut back on stuff . . . LOTS of stuff. I'm especially having to cut back on stuff that I really enjoy. Seems like the dishes, cooking, laundry etc. are here to stay. So it's gonna have to be time spent with others, time spent volunteering, time spent reflecting, time spent dancing and time spent relaxing. And I don't really like it. But . . .

Since I've started living a different way, I no longer desire to live beyond my limits. Having more required in terms of work will result in less time doing other things. I will no longer sacrifice my health, my family or my sanity to live the "MORE" lifestyle. I will reflect. I will evaluate. I will cut back. And I will live within my limits.

magic

2011-01-15T19:29:00.000-06:00

Today I attended the Pasadena Bead & Design Show . . . and it . . . was . . . MAGIC!!! Seriously - walked around for 4 hours just looking at millions of beads. It was SO fun. Can't wait until tomorrow's demonstration. I've got my new stuff organized & ready to create!

whew!

2011-01-14T15:22:00.000-06:00

Sheesh! I'm beat.

Today marks the end of the first full week of work + house guest + preschool + contract consulting work. It all came on so quickly, but it's been great. The whole team pulled together to make it happen. But now it's time for some couch time & relaxation.

Bring on a nap!!!

agonizing done . . . adventure started

2011-01-12T17:51:00.000-06:00

So my last post was about the agonizing debate in my head. Well . . . debate over. Adventure started.

I decided that the things I'm most passionate about, I could do . . . all together & for a good cause. Dan & I decided that I'll be his new "Marketing & Production Business Partner." I'm working my boo-tay off to try to get his book out there & publicized. I'm just so proud of all of his work & really believe in what he's doing. Now I like working for "the man" :-)

And Mahalia is LOVING preschool. She sings about going every morning & skips out afterwards. She's already worn her "Sunrise Preschool" t-shirt 3 times (yeah, yeah, we've limited it to once a week now . . . don't worry!) I think she likes having something fun to do every day.

And I get to do what I'm good at - organize the hell outta stuff & make stuff happen. I've already done a ton of research & am in the process of booking a handful of gigs for Dan over the next couple of months. It's a transition that's taken a good amount of reworking our schedule, but we're really grateful to have the chance to work all together as a team.

garden of ideas

2011-01-05T06:00:00.000-06:00

I can't really even begin to describe the agonizing debate in my head lately . . .

I've had the privilege (dare I say the luxury?) of staying home the last 21 months. It has been a precious time to invest in our little family of three. I've done all of the things stay-at-home-moms do. But I've also had the privilege of doing lots of things that most moms don't ever have the chance to do:

read lots of books
started volunteering in a new place
started my own business
done massive amounts of personal reflection
danced 'til I couldn't dance anymore
started a new hobby (beading)

So do I want to go back to work this year & leave my little slice of heaven? Nope. Not. Even. A. Little. Do we need me to go back to work? Yes. Absolutely. No. Question. About. It. Ugh . . . but where to even begin? And when? And how? I've changed so much that I'm sure I won't go back to the same kind of work as before.

More importantly, will I be able to remain the kind of woman I want to be? Centered. Focused. Kind. Creative. Energized. Engaged. Invested. I hope so!

Dan & I just had an unforseen brainstorming session where we came up with the coolest idea. A win-win-win for our little team of three. It's crazy enough . . . that . . . it . . . just . . . might . . . work!!! There was such synergy between us that he called it a "garden of ideas."

Stay tuned . . .

check!

2011-01-04T18:51:00.000-06:00

I've had that itchy feeling the last few days . . . the kind you get when you've got a hundred "to do's" in your mind. But I've been sick - really sick & haven't felt like tackling much. Until today . . .

So this afternoon I took quiet time by storm (note, I think my kiddo may almost be done with naps . . . sad day at casa Hodge :-( I took stock of everything. Here are a few of the things I checked off . . .

added my "to do's" into my actual TO DO list (& got them OUT of my head)
cleaned off my desk
ran to the store to grab a few things we've needed around the house
scheduled in specific time to work on a couple of key projects
did some publicity for Dan's book signing next week (join us!)
did a complete "restore settings" to get my phone back up & running properly
registered for a beading convention in 2 weeks (random, right?!)
had coffee with a friend
scheduled workout & dancing time
responded to scads of emails
researched stuff for our business

Feels great to be back on track!

And this is just a picture that I love . . . what nuts!

anthem for 2011

2011-01-02T09:39:00.000-06:00

Here's my anthem for 2011. I'm so very grateful for Jesus.

so old . . .

2010-12-30T21:40:00.000-06:00

Today was one of those days where the struggles of life (well, at least MY life) seem sooooo very old. I long for the struggles (or at least the same, old ones) to disappear. What are the chances?

new city - part 2

2010-12-28T06:02:00.000-06:00

In our years in SoCal, we've been very lame church attenders. It's a long story . . .

3 weeks ago, Dan & I had a conversation that went something like this . . .

Me: so, um, every week, I'd kinda rather stay & home and watch football than go to church.

Dan: yeah, me too.

Me: I'm not inclined to keep going if I'd rather watch football every week.

Dan: yeah, me too.

Me: So in the famous words of my Grandma Butch, let's either shit or get off the pot.

Dan: (laughs) . . . yeah, I think we need to try out some new places.

Me: Ok, how about we check out that one church Jude & John were telling us about.

Dan: sounds good.

Sunday we attended New City church for the 2nd time (that's a rare occurrence for us). We were so inspired the first time, that we decided to check it out again. And . . . it . . . didn't . . . disappoint. This week, the worship was even more inspiring, the sermon was both encouraging & challenging (again), and we attended the newcomers lunch & got to meet some folks & ask some questions.

The sermon yesterday was about success. Kevin preached about success not being about the outcome, but about our desire & faithfulness in obedience to Christ & leaving the results in His hands. I'm 100% on board with that! Not signing the paperwork yet . . . but I'm pretty sure this might be "the one" . . . stay tuned.

bittersweet . . . .but mostly sweet

2010-12-27T09:01:00.000-06:00

The holidays are bittersweet for me. In the 9 years that I've been married, I've only been in MN once over the holidays. So I usually get a little teary-eyed at some point . . . missing being with my peeps back home. This year had a new twist. Mahalia kept saying that she thought we should get on an "ay-u-plane" and go to Minnesota. She just loves the people in MN.

But this year was mostly sweet (in the bittersweet equation). I've got a laundry list of highlights (& we haven't even hit New Year's or Dan's birthday yet). Here are a few of the things I'm so very grateful for.

There was this handmade card from Alberto (a friend we've known for almost 7 years). He's a cherished member of our family, so it was especially cool to get something handmade from him.

Then we spent the 23rd at the zoo. The highlights for the day included cotton candy and getting the "soft snake" with the remainders of Mahalia's birthday money. She carried that thing ALL OVER the zoo. Every 3 year old in sight would point to it & shout "look at the snake!" It was a hit.

Then on Christmas Eve, we spent the day as a family at Universal Studios. We ate lunch ($10 off, thanks to a coupon book that we got gifted!), watched people "flying" in a sky-diving simulator, saw Santa, and took in all of the SoCal entertainment sights. We also caught a matinee in the theatre - a TOTAL bust. We walked out early - we were all bored stiff. But on the way out, Mahalia says, "That was SO fun!" I think she might've been referring to the popcorn (or pop-cwown) as she calls it.

It wasn't a "white" Christmas - but a very authentically SoCal, sunny one :-)

Christmas Day, we invited all of our friends (with family far away) over for a literal Hodge podge of a dinner. Being low on cash, we decided that instead of buying anything additional for Christmas, we'd use what we had in the freezer. So Dan put together an AMAZING spread . . . Mexican rice, Cuban-style beans, sausage links & a killer meatloaf. Then we forced our talented friends to lead us in a round of The Twelve Days of Christmas. It was hilarious!

My heart is full . . . and I'm thankful for those I love -those near & those far, who love me so very much.

wow!

2010-12-22T19:49:00.000-06:00

At 11:55 this morning, I had made plans to meet Dan at home & then head out to grab some lunch together. At approximately 12:15 (as Mahalia & I were driving home) I started getting the twinges of a headache. By 12:30 I was laying in bed with a full-on migraine. Thought . . . . . I . . . . . would . . . . . die. It was the worst one I've ever had. WOW!

And my hubby (being the FABULOUS man he is) offered to do anything - take me to the chiropractor, to get a massage, to the ER . . . anything. All I could do was whisper back a pathetic request for him to rub my hands & neck. And he did it for . . . . . over . . . . . an . . . . . hour . . . . then let me sleep for the next 5 hours. WOW!

new city

2010-12-20T00:09:00.000-06:00

A while ago some friends mentioned that they attend New City Church in downtown LA. Sensing possible change in the future, we decided it'd be a good time to check them out. So I browsed their website this week . . . and I read something about them being a church for people who don't like church . . . at which point, I knew I needed to check 'em out.

It did not disappoint. If I were to sum up the message today, it would be his line, "Don't let your ethics get in the way of love." Beautiful . . . just beautiful. We'll be going back.

under the weather

2010-12-17T21:18:00.000-06:00

I just haven't felt like myself all week . . . what's up with that? Hoping next week is better.

highlights

2010-12-16T21:41:00.000-06:00

Here are a few of my highlights from 2010:

I feel God's love more than ever
Dan got to work from home all summer
Dan's book came out!!!
It was my first full year as a full time stay-at-home mom
Angela came to visit & we got a girls weekend away in San Diego
I witnessed the birth of my friend's baby
Chante' performed at Dan's book signing
My Mom & Dad came for a visit, and his health is much improved, praise God!
Dan's Mom is doing well & has come to visit a few times, much to our delight
Dan & I celebrated 9 years together
I started serving at PIHOP
Started teaching salsa classes
Made a couple of new friends that I'm really excited about
Enjoyed my "old" friends too (you know who you are :-)
Made my "Jericho: Until the Walls Fall Down" praise CD
I'm taking Sozo training
We got grass!
Mahalia got to celebrate her birthday with her cousins in MN & play in the snow
Dan & Mahalia got to attend his family reunion in Texas, while I got 3 glorious days to myself!
I know & accept myself now, more than ever

dance party

2010-12-13T07:24:00.000-06:00

One of my favorite things about being a dancer is sharing my passion with others . . . be it a momentary dance partner on the floor for one song - spinning & styling our way into dance nirvana, teaching a group of students who are working so hard to stay with the beat, or . . .

. . . with my favorite dance party girls! Literally EVERY time our friend, Alana, comes to the house, she asks if we can have a dance party. She's a girl after my own heart!

This was actually taken at her house - she's carried on the tradition at her house, but with a fun twist . . . dance party princesses. I l.o.v.e. it!!!

Uncle Buck's Tree

2010-12-12T12:20:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was "decorate the tree" day at the White Hodge casa. We went to Uncle Buck's tree lot in Monrovia & while the kiddies jumped in the bouncer, Uncle Buck's Elf (pretty sure little elf had been smokin' something :-) helped us get the tree on the car. It was already cut & mounted with a water area at the bottom - brilliant!

So we went home & started to decorate. Mahalia & her little friend, Christopher, were in heaven! It was pure delight until the very last candy cane was hung.

But my favorite part was this . . .

. . . all of the ornaments are piled into one little area of the tree. Mahalia had been standing on the couch, putting all of the ornaments within arm's reach. Never occurred to her to spread them out.

I was tempted to rearrange them to make them "more presentable" but then it occurred to me that it's perfect just the way it is.

So often, I try to make things "presentable" and "just right" . . . but this moment made me realize that it truly is the thought that counts, along with the heart behind the thought & the enthusiasm all together. Thanks kiddo for another lesson learned.

10 things I love about Liz

2010-12-11T15:47:00.000-06:00

I knew I wanted to be friends with Liz the first time I met her. She interviewed me for a job back in 2003 & she has been a dear friend ever since.

We've spent countless hours together - doing all sorts of things . . . talking, coffee, movies, birthdays, breakups, travel, massages, pedicures, shopping & more talking.

Here's my top ten reasons why I simply adore Liz:

She knows & embraces herself
She's always willing to make new friends
She lives her life to the fullest & makes no apologies
She's an incredible gift giver (note fabulous bracelet she just gave me for Christmas - right)
She treats herself to things & takes good care of herself
She has impeccable style
She takes amazing trips around the world
She lives each moment to the fullest
She loves with her whole hear
She 100% embraces single life

first bloom

2010-12-07T16:00:00.000-06:00

We moved into this house in December of 2007 & at the time it was only dirt & cement outside. In my attempt to make the hideous look slightly less hideous, I got some pots & planted a few flowers.

As with most things in life, when you try to "decorate" the hideous, it doesn't really work. My poor plant never really "took." But then when the owner got us some grass & a watering system, they repotted all of my plants into the soil.

I wasn't too sure what would happen - it didn't look like anything was happening for the last 6 months. Until two days ago . . . here is the first bloom of the season - just opened up 2 days ago!!! And there's about 30 other buds just waiting to open!

This bloom kind of reflects my life. In seasons past, I've tried to "decorate" the ugly in my life (attitudes, dysfunctions, problems etc.) to no avail . . . same ugly . . . different year. But over the last three years, I have uprooted the ugly & replanted my spirit into new soil.

It's good to see my ugly turn into something beautiful.

a few suggestions

2010-12-04T22:28:00.000-06:00

After my date with myself, may I offer you a few suggestions . . .

DO enjoy the view of Los Angeles (it makes me feel so alive). This is the view from where I parked - I took a moment to look around & enjoy the city. I just LOVE Los Angeles!

DO read the book "The Art of Forgiving" by Louis Smedes. It is by FAR one of my best reads of 2010! And while you're at it, enjoy the Mocha chip blended drink at The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf.

Then, after you've walked around Santee Alley & enjoyed the EXTREME (yet VERY fun) consumerism . . . DO enjoy one of these incredibly delicious (just off the truck) hand made hot dog spectaculars!

A special thanks to Dan for letting me have the WHOLE morning & afternoon to wander around all by myself . . . glorious!

hot date

2010-12-04T10:02:00.000-06:00

I've got a hot date . . . with myself this morning! I'm really looking forward to some time alone. Here's the "plan" (though I don't care to tie myself down to anything in particular).

Grab a cup of coffee & do a bit of reading . . . before I . . . head down to the fashion district to do some window shopping . . . maybe even buy myself a belt . . . then possibly catch up on a few phone calls . . . then come home & catch a cat nap before the afternoon shift with the kiddies.

Love it!

backseat song

2010-12-02T22:23:00.000-06:00

We were on our way home tonight & here's what I overheard Mahalia singing softly to herself in the back seat . . . "Jesus is my favorite. He keeps me safe & He plays with me all the day morning. I love Him so much."

Did my heart good.

turning 4

2010-11-29T06:24:00.000-06:00

Oh how I love to watch kids have fun . . . especially my own! It was a joy to celebrate her 4th with Grandma, friends, aunties & neighbors. She's one blessed kid to have so many people who love her!

My daily prayer is that she would have relationships with people who draw her closer to Jesus . . . a special thanks to all those who've done just that.

to my unknown sister

2010-11-28T18:25:00.000-06:00

We were only 2 blocks from church - on time for the 10:30 service worship. We hit the park first to get out some wiggles. After a romp on the slides, swings & exercise machines, we got back in the car.

As we pulled out of the parking lot onto Washington Blvd this morning, I watched one woman grab another woman around the neck & throw her to the ground. It was done with so much force, that I thought it was a man who had done it. We slowed down & took a second look. I drove another block & was finding a parking space, but was haunted by what I just witnessed, uncertain of how to help.

Mahalia asked what just happened, so I explained. She said, "but Mom, we need to help her. She needs help, Mom!" In that moment, it became clear . . . so we made a u-turn and drove back. As we drove the block back, Mahalia sang this song . . . "we're coming to save you, we're coming to save you."

I wish I could tell you that what happened next made all of the difference to that victimized woman, but they quickly disappeared - obviously knowing one another & wanting to avoid the police. And as I gave my report to the police, I wonder how that woman is doing. Did she get assaulted again? Did the police ever find them? I don't know.

But I know that my daughter's heart was to save you from the abuse. Today we stand with our sisters (known & unknown). As we see your abuse, we will not be silent. We will stand with you for peace.

a toast to Z

2010-11-27T21:44:00.000-06:00

We spent Thanksgiving dinner at our friend's house. They set a beautiful table - including sparkling glass goblets . . . which reminded me that approximately 336 days earlier we had made a very significant toast at our house at Christmas dinner with those very same friends.

They had received word that their adoption had become final & they would be able to go to Ethiopia to get their 9 year old daughter later that winter. I remember getting choked up - so grateful that this beautiful girl (only seen in pictures) was going to be a part of our family of friends.

So when I saw the goblets at Thanksgiving, I reached over, hugged Z and told her the story of our Christmas dinner last year & how we had toasted to her being a part of our family. I told her how excited I was to be eating Thanksgiving dinner WITH her . . . not just dreaming ABOUT her.

It means so much to me to have her here! She's every bit as beautiful & wonderful as I had imagined. I love you Z!

buzz has landed

2010-11-23T21:42:00.000-06:00

So Mahalia has been begging for a Buzz Lightyear toy for MONTHS . . . since Toy Story 3 came out! Literally EVERY day she asks me for "big Buzz" and is always SO disappointed when I say "not today, kiddo."

But today . . . Grandma showed up . . . WITH BIG BUZZ. It's been a flurry of activity since she walked in the door. Mahalia asked me to give her some privacy with Grandma (so she could have her all to herself). Hilarious! I was happy to grant her wish . . . and happy to catch up on email.

overcome

2010-11-20T19:10:00.000-06:00

The last couple of weeks, I have found myself repeatedly in tears . . . overcome with gratitude. I have sat with new friends, with long time friends, with family, all alone, or in a room of complete strangers . . . and I'm moved to tears.

SOOO very grateful . . . for so many things that I can't even begin to list them all. Thank you Jesus.